Chapter 3.

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[Basket Case]

Monday, 17th March 2018.

Today, I felt really nervous and anxious. My body trembled in fear and my head throbbed with worries and pain. How could this happen? I hated it whenever this happens. I want to always stay calm in any kind of situation. Why the fuck can't I do it? It's so frustrating.

People react differently to different things and different people. Maybe that's the reason of my panic because I don't know how people in America would react to what we're doing. What do they think? Do they think we're just lucky to be here and that in truth we're never a significant thing in American music industry? Are they only interested because they want to find out how long this group of Asians can survive the wave of American music industry? Are they doing comparrison? Are they trying to compete us against them? What do they want?

The interviewers today asked normal questions, but what about tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow? This is ridiculous, I'm scaring myself. I should stop.

Today the members acted pretty weirdly if I may say. It seemed they were angry at me? Or maybe disappointed at me? But why? Did I do anything wrong. I was quiet in most of the interviews. I only talked when I was talked to, only responsed when needed. I didn't act silly and didn't goof around. I took everything seriously by staying out of the way. I was a good boy, why were they mad at me?

Yoongi hyung was especially mad at me I could sense it. His eyes were looking at anywhere but my eyes. He gulped down the can of beer fast and just left because he got nothing to say to someone like me. I knew he suspected that I keep secrets from him, from the boys. But, but, doesn't everyone have secrets? Oh! Is that why everyone is disappointed at me because I don't share secrets? But why should they know? Why do they want to know everything about me and my head. I am a mess, my head is even more. Why do they want to know?

Fuck! I hate myself. This is crazy, I am crazy. I even walked out in the middle of the night to write this diary in the living room because I have so many thoughts in my head that I have to pour it out or I'll go crazy.

Okay you know what that's it. I'm going back to bed. As usual, taetae is checking out. purple heartzzz.

***

'What was Taehyung thinking? How could he come up with all these ridiculous ideas? He even cursed which he does not normally do in real life. And the amount of negativity inside?' Namjoon is saddened by this new fact he has found out about Taehyung. He blames himself for not knowing and understanding the thoughts of his band members as a leader. He thought Taehyung has changed for the better, but he was wrong. Taehyung has changed, but not entirely for the better.

Jin walks into the living room with a cup of coffee and Namjoon quickly hides the diary under the book he was reading a couple  hours ago.

"Hey," Jin greets him. "What're you doing?"

"Nothing man, just reading a book and enjoying a cup of coffee."

"Do you mind if I turn on the TV?"

"No hyung, just turn it on, I'm tired of reading anyway."

Jin turns on the tv and sits right next to Namjoon. Although Namjoon's eyes are on the TV but his mind is still thinking about the diary. He is thinking about how to confront Taehyung about this. How can he ask Taehyung about this and how can he tell him the fact that he read his personal and most private book? While he is thinking about it, Taehyung rushes into the living room. His face is filled with panic as he searches for something.

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