then ~ RUEL FANFIC~

Alira's POV

Although I don't forget about promising  to call later, I push it from my mind knowing we have survived apart long enough by now that there's no point bringing back the pain. When I get home the ache of longing I experienced after we moved to Darwin begins to return but I know I can't let it back in.

My resolve cracks. "Dad." I say, Storming into the Living room. Before I can say anything he hurriedly stand up, puts the magazine he's reading down.

"I did the shopping, I promise, it's in the-"

"No, no, I know, it's not that. It's... dad, I want to go back to Sydney."

He looks at me sadly. "Alira, love, are you sure?"

"I want to move there. It's where I belong."

He's not mad but I sense a pleading element in his voice. "Love, we spent a lot of money moving here, I don't want it to be wasted."

"It's fine." I say. I'm the one pleading now. "You and Rocky can stay here, I'll use my own money, I'll call you every day. I'm 18 soon, I will be alright."

"I know, but I just mean... Do you think you'll manage? Emotionally?"

My heart drops as I struggle to evaluate. "Well, I'll have to, won't I?"

He can probably sense the cold edge creeping into my voice so ends the conversation. "I'll think about it. I really will, love. I want the best for you and I need to see if this will."

"Thanks, dad."

I go back to my room and shut the door. 

And for the first time in weeks, I cry.

But it's not the same.

It's not like the days I spent crying under covers, hoping the pain would wash away. It's not the tears I felt roll down my face that couldn't bring my mum back. It's not crying on a winter night when the world felt empty. 

I cry because, well, maybe there's a chance I can get it back.

Being near mum. Having people my age around me. Friends. Good meals on Sunday nights. Riding to the beach at sunset. Slushies on 40 degree days. Thrifting. Storm watching from glass coated balconies. The simple things, the little things, the ones we overlook. And I want them now.

I look out the window thinking how much it's changed from this morning, when I had my usual routine, no thought of turning back, excited for the life ahead of me. 

Once I've got myself together it's pretty much dark. Dad's probably busy so I go out the front, pick up my bike and ride down the road to the nearest pay phone. When I get there I take a deep breath  and slowly type in the number. Slot in my coin.

The phone rings. Once. Twice. Three times. Four. He's not going to answer. Five. Now I've wasted $2 on someone pretending to care. Six. Seven.

There's a click. My heart sinks- probably gone to voicemail.

"Hello?" I almost cry again. Ew.

"Hey, it's... it's alira."

"Oh! Hey, I was wondering when you'd call."

"Listen, I don't know how to put this softly so I'm just going to say it..."

"What's happened?"

"No, no, nothing, it's good news. I... I might move back to Sydney."

Silence. I bite my lip. He probably doesn't care.

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I guarantee, I pinky promise."

"Alira, I don't believe you."

"Are you fucking kidding?! I promised! I never break a promise!"

"I don't think you realise what that promise might mean, just think about it!"

"Ruel, do you seriously think I haven't thought about it?"

He pauses. "Well, yes. I mean no. I mean, I mean, you haven't thought about it."

"What more do I need to think about?"

"Alira, come on, I don't want to-"

"Say it. Please say it."

"No."

"Yes."

"Fine. But don't cry."

"I'm not a pussy, I won't cry."

"Your mum. Being near her again, being where it...where it happened."

My stomach churns. "I thought about that. I've realised I let go. I haven't forgotten her, She's with me every day. But it doesn't hurt anymore. There's nothing I can do to bring her back."

"How about the fires? They... well, they didn't leave much."

"I know. But there's nothing out here to start with, so it can't be that bad to adjust to."

"Trust me, it's pretty bad."

"What did they burn?" I ask angrily. "What did they burn that might matter to me in the slightest?"

Nothing. He doesn't speak. My heart rate increases.

"Ruel, what did the fires burn?" I repeat.

"Alira..." he says, and I can tell he's about to deliver a blow.

Suddenly I know what's coming and I fall to the floor, the phone still in my hand, forehead pressed against the glass.

"They burnt the cemetery."

It takes a moment for it to register. I deny it. Maybe it missed her, maybe 'the' cemetery isn't the one she's in. But deep down I know it's true.

"I'm sorry." He says quietly. I don't reply. There's nothing left to say. Her body, her gravestone, remains of the photos and flowers placed around her grave. All gone. 

"She's still with you Alira." He murmurs. "In your memories, in your heart."

I stand up shakily and throw the phone back onto the stand. It automatically hangs up. When I'm sure the call has terminated I scream. Just to let it out. My yell echoes across the empty desert. 

The pay phone is blinking. An incoming call. Only someone who has just been on call to someone in a pay phone can call back. I know it's him. I pick it up angrily. 

"What do you want?" I yell.

"Woah, calm down. I told you you shouldn't come back."

"I have to, Ruel. You don't understand."

"You really still want to? Don't lie to me."

"I'm coming and you can't stop me. I'll see you in a week."