then ~ RUEL FANFIC~

Alira's POV

I wake under a haze of anaesthetic. I can't get my bearings. I don't know where I am or what's happening. 

Slowly I focus my eyes on the room. White. A single window. An IV drip stand next to me. The smell of cleaning materials in the air. And a cloth over the end of the bed with two spots of blood on it.

"Help." I try to yell it but I cant muster the energy so it comes out as more of a whimper. 

I hear a door open and someone walks into the room. It's Kate. Her face is red and blotchy and she stands about a metre from the bed looking at me.

"How are you feeling?" she murmurs.

"Gross. What happened?"

She opens her mouth to speak but stops and shakes her head. "I'm so sorry."

"What?"

"You... the baby, you lost it."

My first instinct is to laugh. "That's not possible."

She doesn't respond. 

"Where's Ruel?" I ask.

"At our place."

"I want to go." I say. I want to leave this place. I don't want to think.

"You can't, not yet. You just had surgery."

"For what?"

"To, you know. Get everything out."

I move my hand to my stomach and wince at the small sharp pains. Stitches. 

It feels surreal. So sudden and unexpected. The finality is starting to wash over me. I don't cry. I just sit in silence, staring Into nothing.

"I'm so sorry, Alira." She says again. I look up and tears are pouring down her face. "Do you want me to call your dad?"

With a pang I remember he's probably excited about getting a grandchild. I can't ruin his joy. "No, please don't."

"I won't. But remember you have to tell him eventually."

I half shrug. 

"You need rest to heal up. I'll stay if you want. Get some sleep."

"Kate?"

"Mm?"

"What do I do now?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean... before I was going to be a mum. I had something to do. And now I just..."

"Don't worry about what's going to happen now. Worry about yourself, here and now. We're still here for you."

A second round of some sort of liquid is pumped into my veins, activated by a timer. I feel myself slowly slipping away. 

I don't remember blacking out. Only coming to. It's late afternoon which means I slept for almost a day. A beautiful orange sunset is shining through the window, onto the wall.

Kate's In a chair by my bed, reading a book. When I move she looks up. 

"You're awake. Good. Someone's here to see you. Only... if you, if you want to."

"Yeah, it's fine."

She leaves the room and comes back. Behind her is Ruel. 

I tear up straight away. He looks concerned and comes over. Hugs me. 

"You ok?"

"Im fine."

"Alira, I-"

"I'm ok, I swear."

"I'm so, so sorry."

I nod and bite my lip not knowing how to reply. 

"I'll leave you two." Says Kate. "I'm going to go home and see Coco. Call me if you need anything. I'll come back later tonight."

She leaves and he waits until the door is closed to speak.

"I don't know what to do."

"Don't do anything. You don't need to."

"No, I mean, I just want you to be happy, and I know that you would've been the best, happiest mum-"

"Don't say that, please..."

"I just feel helpless."

"Me too."

"Is there anything that I can do?"

"I don't think so."

"If you want to tell me anything... just let it out..."

"I'm relieved." I blurt out. "And I feel terrible."

"What?"

"I'm not glad, of course I'm not glad, but I worried so much about what I was going to do, I didn't have the financial means, I wasn't ready."

"That's fair."

"I sound like a terrible person. I want it back so badly already even though I was scared."

"That's normal."

"We don't know what's normal, Ruel. We haven't experienced this before."

"I know, I just... It sounds reasonable."

He sits down in Kate's vacant chair next to my bed and stares down at the floor.

"They told me to tell you something." He murmurs, not looking at me.

"What?" 

"It was a boy."

I go limp and a small smile comes to my lips. "That's pretty cool."

He Smiles at the floor. "You made a human inside of you. That's amazing."

"Wasn't very successful though." In the severity of the situation I can't help but laugh about it. Both of us start laughing and once we have it's hard to stop. He looks up at me, eyes sparkling with tears, smile on his face.

"We shouldn't be happy." He says guiltily.

"I know. But it's fine."

"Coping strategy?"

"In a way. I'm fine, you're fine, I still have you. It's going to be ok."

"That's good. Really good. I'm proud of you, you know."

"For what?"

"Staying hopeful."

"Thanks." I whisper.

"So." He says. "I thought we could go on a little trip."

"Where?"

"I don't know. Out over West, inland. Somewhere quiet."

"Sounds good to me."

"I asked Coco and she's insisting on coming with us. Sorry."

"No surprises there. It's all good, don't worry."

There's a break in the conversation. Neither of us know what to say.

"You can go home if you want. Go sleep. You don't need to stay." I whisper.

He shrugs.

"Go on, go have some food, get a nice rest, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Ok," when he stands up he looks like he's considering hugging me but thinks better of it. "I'll see you tomorrow. Call me if you need anything."

"I will."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

He smiles and leaves the room.

As soon as he's gone I lift up my shirt to look at my stomach. It doesn't look too bad except for being slightly red and having a line of stitches along the bottom.

I hop out of the bed carefully and slowly go into the bathroom. There's a mirror in there and I look at myself. I look tired and a mess but overall I've fared even better than I could've wished for. My phone rings from next to the bed so I go back out, sit on the chair and look at it.

Dad's calling.