Mostly Depressing Poetry

Dear Ex Best Friend

So, this isn't a poem, but I felt like venting it out here one night while endlessly crying and looking at photos, listening to Dear Ex Best Friend by Tate McRae. My (now ex) best friend meant the world to me, and she still does. But as the saying goes... "All good things must come to an end."

Dear ex best friend,
                                     I don't know if you'll ever see this, but I wanted to say I'm sorry. God it's been almost 2 years now... Why am I still not over you? My other friends said I don't deserve you, since you just up and left. My other friends said that it seemed like you just didn't care, since you were so willing to let me go.
   Everyday I blame myself for your absence. I should have fought harder in the beginning to keep you around, but grief clouded me and I eventually gave up. But it was stupid, as you were worth fighting for.
   I noticed about a month after you left, that my personality had changed. I was no longer that bubbly girl that talked to everyone. Instead I had grown pessimistic and pushed the friends I had left away. I didn't like what my mind was thinking, but without your presence, there was no one that could bring in light.
   About a year after you left, something came up in my life. I remember texting you and calling, cause I had no one else to turn to. It was during that time that we were talking that I realized just how much I missed you. By the end of it, I had asked so many questions, that I thought my heart was going to break.
   You told me why you left, and the cogs in my head began to spin. It was my fault that I had lost such a great friend. You told me that you never wanted me to experience the pain that I felt- and still feeling to this day- but you said that you were just a stepping stone along the way...
   Even to this day, I desperately want to walk up to you, and face you face to face, and talk about silly little things. I long to talk to you and wonder how you and your boyfriend are. I still remember when you two got together... You talked about him a lot, and one day you ran up to me and declared that he was yours. You told me how he was afraid for you to meet his mom, and about all of your future plans.
   You always confided in me when you were having problems at home. Now I don't know what goes on in your life, other than from what I pick up in the halls. Kinda sad that I had to find out that you were still doing track by looking in the school Yearbook.
   I questioned what in you had changed, as when you dropped me, it was so unexpected. Just the month or two prior we were in a pool laughing and having a good time, celebrating your birthday. And it hurts me, to see that you don't even seem to care anymore, about what we used to be.
   You changed me into the person I am today. Because of you, I found my love for reading and writing, which is why I joined Wattpad. I remember how we would share our stories, reading them and then give each other advice. You introduced me to my favorite book series, and taught me how to write letters! You introduced me to new things, and you helped me make new friends.
   I know I should be over you, but it's kinda hard when I see you everyday... Sometimes you and I talk a bit, but it's nothing like what it used to be. Now it's just us reacting to jokes, or talking about a class topic...
   I find myself getting jealous, whenever I see one of your other friends talking to you, knowing that I'll never be able to do that again. I'll never get to hear you laugh because of me, or say my name after playfully doing something. I'll never get to have those fun silly role plays with you over text where I'd throw Baloney at you.
   Everything that I have in my room that reminds me of you, I try to keep hidden from my view. But whenever I stumble over anything, I start crying  thinking of you. You were like the sister I never had.
   Many nights I see your contact in my phone, and I fight myself for hours on whether or not I should text you. I always decide against it, as you never seem to answer anyways. My parents wonder why I don't just delete your number, but I just can't bring myself to do it.
   All the shit we've been through, all the fights we've had, all the tears and confessions I've made... I wish I would have fought.
   Everyday I think about you, and I wonder if I ever enter your brain. All the memories we've had... I can't forget any of them, even though I wish I could. I would rather forget the happiest times of my life, than sit here and cry another minute over you.
   I still remember when we went to Michigan's Adventures for one of your birthday parties... you tried so hard to get me to go on Shivering Timbers. I wish I could tell you now that if you wanted to go back, I'd ride every coaster with you.
   I wonder what you would think, if I was able to tell you that I rode the Thunderhawk along with every other coaster. I wonder what you would think, if I could tell you about my faults and successes. I want to tell you which college I plan on going to and why, and ask you for relationship advice.
   The more I write this, the more I long to be friends with you again. But I know even if there was the slightest chance that we became friends again, nothing will be the same.
   We can't make up the past two years, or forget they never happened. I would never be able to forget those cold words and glares. I wouldn't be able to forget the times you shook me off, probably wondering when I'd disappear.
   I'm not going to lie, I've written hundreds of letters to you, all of which I would eventually rip up and toss. Sometimes I can't help but wonder, if I died, would you even care? It breaks my heart when I pass you in the halls and it's like I never knew who you once were.
   I still remember 8th grade camp... it was the funnest thing ever. I remember how on the last day I was incredibly sick, and your concern was apparent. I remember how you wanted to take me to the camps infirmary so I could rest, but since it was closed, you took me up to our cabin instead.
   I remember puking everywhere as you would crack jokes, trying to make me feel better. You let me borrow your pink fuzzy blanket, because even though it was warm, I was incredibly cold. It didn't occur to me how much you really cared till our last camp activity, where I had to sit out and watch from afar.
   I still appreciate you sitting out of that game, just so I wouldn't be so lonely. It meant the world to me, and that was when I realized I had the greatest friend ever- not knowing that only a year later, it would all change.
   They say that most friendships break apart come High School, but I was desperately hoping we wouldn't be those people. I'm honestly surprised we made it through Freshman year.
   I'm still sad, even sitting here today, on the 25th of February, 2020. We'll be graduating next year, but it saddens my heart, knowing that we won't be graduating together the way we once thought we would. In middle school we said we'd go to the same college, and rent a house together... I miss those days...
   I'm kinda scared that I'll be graduating without you by my side, as I fear that I'll never see you again, once life makes out our paths. You'll go your way, and I'll go mine. I wouldn't be as scared if we were still friends... but I know I can't change the past.
   I can already guarantee to you, that at the graduation ceremony, tears will be spilled. Not only because I'll be done with high school, but because I know I don't have you.
   Either way, I'm still trying to move on, fix the gap that you've left behind. You will never leave my mind. And know that I'm not mad at you, or disappointed, because I'm not. But I ask of you one thing, wherever we go in life, don't forget me.
   I hope one day we can become friends again.... but I know that day would never come soon enough. I just want to make things right, and show you how much I've changed. I want to be there for you.. I love you and I always will...

                                    White Tiger.

Yes this was long, and I apologize... but I had a lot to say. Also, White Tiger was the nickname she gave to me back in like 6th grade. But yeah... writing this helped a lot.... And yes I know, the date is in February.. But that's when I wrote this. I only just uploaded haha!