a year full of life

i still can't sleep

[it's 2:58 and i can't sleep]
it's almost 3 in the morning and i can't force my mind to stop thinking for enough time to release myself into a peaceful abyss. i feel your soft fingers moving beneath the sheets - absentmindedly while you sleep - and i just can't sleep.

[it's 4:30 and i still can't sleep]
it's a half hour 'til 5 and i can't distract myself from your soft breaths creating warm condensation on my neck. i can't distract myself from your warm scent of vanilla or the way your nails dig into my sides when you have a fright in your sleep. i can't distract myself from missing you enough to just sleep.

[it's 6:01 and you're still sleeping]
it's finally past 6 o'clock and i realize that you're still sleeping. your fingertips of velvet pulled me into a trance that felt as if it could be real but as soon as i snapped out of it, i found your lashes resting gently on your freckled cheeks.

[it's 7:59 and i was never awake]
the clock will strike 8 in merely 60 seconds and yet i'm not sure if the hue of orange outside is from the sun's arrival or departure. the minutes blurred together and your arms wrapped around mine felt way more than just a dream to me but somehow when those 60 seconds are up and that clock hits 8 i wake up in a haze with no recollection of you in my bed that night or any night before. i wake up and the indent in my bed was not from your warm blooded body, it was from the hollow ghost of you. a shell of the women i once knew, a shell of the women that haunted me in my dreams and deprived me of anything that felt like sleep.

[it's 12 am and i can't get rid of you]
it's midnight and after waking up from a nightmare i reached for you. i reached for your soft fingertips and your golden smile but what i grasped was roughed up skin and a hellish grin. what i reached for was not you at all but maybe if i go to sleep i'll dream of the real you. maybe if i never wake up, real life - the one where you're the monster not under my bed but in it - i'll never have to think of your fleeting soulless eyes ever again.