a year full of life

pinky promise

we made a pinky promise one day
[why did it have to be on my birthday?]
you told me that if i loved you
until we faded into nothing,
you'd hold my hand
whenever i felt scared
[i just wanted to feel safe]
for i was afraid of everything
[i was once even scared of you,
but you'd also promised me that day
that you'd never think of hurting me]

the next day we made another pinky promise,
you told me that
if you ever stopped loving me,
i should continue on
and love you despite it all
[it was the day after my birthday
- the day before your own -
even though this felt sick,
i owed it to you didn't i?
you helped me get over my fears
with just a touch of your fingers,
you could make me feel safe]
so i curled my pinky around yours
[feeling like maybe i really didn't
want to be scared anymore]
tension building in the air
[like a storm was brewing
and someone's eyes were fiery,
screaming for help]
and then my finger felt like it was being ripped clean from my hand
[i could feel the air burning me -
why were you burning me?]

the next day i woke up
and you were smiling at me,
your hand protectively covering my own
[why does my finger feel like it's on fire?]
my heart felt happy
when i saw your smile
but i don't think it was the joyful kind
[i wish it was the joyful kind]
more like the sick aching kind
[was this even happiness anymore?]
and i started to feel panic
bubbling in my chest

soon your eyes
turned to something sick again,
you kept yelling,
asking why i betrayed you?
why i couldn't love you
like i had promised to?
[i could've sworn i did though -
i felt happy when i saw your smile,
even though you hurt me
when you had promised you wouldn't]
and that feeling came back -
the one i felt when i promised
to love you even when
you no longer loved me.
the one where it felt
like someone was screaming for help
[was i the one screaming for help?]
but this time i didn't feel any fire -
this time i only felt myself
floating into oblivion,
my lungs collapsing in on themselves
and a nasty feeling in my heart
[why didn't you love me anymore?]