His POV
flashback
I looked at y/n's face as a small smile graced my features.
'She's so good with kids...' I thought to myself as I gazed at her profile. Her hair was messily thrown into a bun that was tied up in a tribal print yellow scarf; which really brought out her eyes might I add. The hoop earrings she wore gave her whole look a feminine touch.
Despite it being summer and everything around us radiating vibrancy due to the change in season, y/n never failed to be the most breathtaking , vibrant view.
Y/n held onto the three year old child securely as y/n engaged in a conversation like they were adults which quite frankly was really cute. The gang was currently at a former member, casandra's baby shower celebrating her and her husbands....6th child.
I didn't mind kids, but damn...6? I walked over to y/n as the breeze of summer tickled my slightly exposed chest from my button up shirt, as I crept behind her putting a chin on her shoulder.
"This could be us ya' know...." I voiced, as y/n looked over her shoulder back at me. I leaned in slightly placing a chaste airy kiss on her lips, as she jerked away scoffing,moving away from me. My eyebrow raised in confusion as I followed close on her heels.
"Y/n babe what's wrong?" I asked pushing my glasses on top of my head to gaze at the brown skin girl who was clearly upset. Y/n gave a tight lipped smile to casandra, the mother of the tiny three year old as the pregnant lady looked at y/n sympathetically.
To say I was confused was an understatement. Y/n brushed passed me walking briskly over to the table where her brother and the rest of the boys were. I quickly grabbed onto her shoulder pulling her back slightly causing her to collid with my chest.
"Woah Woah there princess whats wrong...come on talk to me darling" I said genuinely worried about her sudden mood change as I lifted her face lightly with my finger.
She scowled before pushing me away standing a few inches back from me. She stared at me momentarily, so many emotions swimming around in her coffee colored eyes. What happened next left me utterly shocked.
Y/n broke down crying,sobbing her heart out. Tears ran down her chubby cheeks as she visibly struggled to catch her breath.
I quickly grabbed her pulling her to my chest as I rubbed her back.
"Aww babygirl what's wrong? Did something happen? Did someone hurt you? Sweetheart talk to me" I cooed out softly, her little sobs and sniffles breaking my heart as she finally pulled away looking at me with blood shot eyes.
"I....Yoongi why! Why do you do this to me? I love you don't you see that!" She cried out wiping her still falling tears. Even crying she never failed to look so breathtaking.I stood in front of her completely thrown off by the statement and where this was coming from.
"Y/n..."
"No! I fucking...ughhh you say you want me but then you go and fuck another bitch, we fight and have an angry fuck that acts as a 'make up' ,we're fine for a couple of days, start acting all lovey dovey and shit then the cycle starts all over...why can't you see that what you want is right in your fucking face! And fuck you for saying this" she yelled out pointing to the kids running and playing.
"Could be us...YOU KNOW HOW BADLY I WANT TO START A FAMILY" y/n yelled out shaking as I kept a stoic face staring at the crying girl.
Everything she said was right. I do want her, hell I want her to be my wife,mother of my kids even..but I can't bring myself to..if I lose her my whole world would be shattered. I'd rather her hate me for the rest of her life then for me to be burying the one girl that I'm madly completely head over heels for. I can't do that to her. We might have the same job but I have my own demons from the past I need to tango with.
I looked at y/n stoically as I grabbed a pack of cigarettes from my back pocket,My hand shaking from the anxiety attack threatening to spill over. I grabbed the toxic cancer stick pulling it between my lips as I lighted the end an amber slowly falling onto the vivid green grass.
Y/n watched my every movement like a hawk, her eyes desperately analyzing my stature to see my reaction. I blew out the toxic smoke slowly, a cloudy haze of nicotine encasing our senses and a small cough left y/n's lips.
"I thought you quit" y/n whispered lowly watching me carefully. I glanced over at her as I turned to her.
"Anything else you need? Because if not I'm only going to say this once. Y/n we will never be anything more or less than what we are and that's just the fact. You're fun to flirt with and fun to mess with...So it's your choice: we either continue this platonic 'friends with benefits' thing or you can hate me for the rest of your life...the ball is in your court" I say,feigned boredom dripping from my voice as I avoided y/n's heated gaze.
If I looked I'd break...
".....I hate you....y-y-yoongi.." she hiccuped. She couldn't even step away fully before beginning to sob her heart out as she turn around running off.
With that I broke. The tears coming from my eyes uncontrollably as I held my chest tightly hunching over dropping the cigarette in the process. My heart was beating a mile a minute, my lungs burned and felt as though they would collapse my head was spinning and my limbs were numb as I tried clawing at my chest to alleviate some of the pain. I felt like I was having a heart attack.
It physically hurt and mentally hurt as well. Tears blurred my vision as I kneeled to the ground chanting her name softly to myself before covering my eyes and breaking down.
"Y/n....I love you too"
