Stargazing With Beilah

Before and After Atlas

Before I got Atlas, my life was far simpler. 

I had an imperfect but fairly good relationship with my adopted parents, a closer-than-average relationship with my sister, and three amazing best friends whom I spent most of my time with and could always confide in no matter what. I was single but that wasn't a problem for me- I was content with just close friends, as far as relationships went. I wasn't exactly happy- few who get SQUIPs are- and my life was far from perfect but, at the very least, it was safe and predictable. 

With Atlas downloaded, everything has changed. 

Of course, it didn't start like that. It started off with gentle words of praise and promises of making my life better. Naively, I fell for every single one of his lies completely. He knew that I was damaged and desperate and used that to his advantage. All he had to do was tell me that he had my best interest at heart- that he was going to fix me and my life and make me happy- and I was immediately eating out of the palm of his hand. He lured me in with gentle words and reassurances. Now, I'm worried that I'm in too deep to escape. 

The first time I noticed the change was when he told me to hurt someone for the first time. I would be lying if I said that I had never considered it myself- the guy was an absolute asshole and had been insulting and taunting me behind my back for years while continuously playing the nice guy, irritatingly keeping everyone on his side as he did so- but I had never once considered what Atlas had suggested. I had only ever thought of punching him or kicking his legs out from underneath him in a moment of bass-ass ninja skills. My thoughts of him rarely ever went further than me acting out the amazing come-backs I had for him while in the shower. 

Atlas had other plans, though. 

"You think too little, Spencer!" his smile has been encouraging, "You can destroy him with me as your ally- you can let yourself look at the bigger picture. You have to look beyond petty come-backs and weak punches when you have the kind of potential that you do."

"You really think so?" 

"I know so."

Those words had been so comforting at the time. They had brought me such ease that my second-guessing him didn't last long before I was falling victim to his silver tongue, succumbing to his golden lies. 

The blood spattering my hands and face completely changed that, though. The fight itself had been a breeze between the combination of his own agility and Atlas predicting his opponents every move and how to combat them. Afterwards, reality sank in once more and I felt completely unnerved. I had almost broken down right then and there in the parking lot where I had fought him, adrenaline wearing off to reveal nothing more than regretful fear- fear of the situation, myself, or Atlas, I didn't know at the time, but, now, I know exactly where to place that fear. 

Atlas wouldn't allow me to collapse to the ground in a panic, though. Instead, he forced adrenaline into me once more, ordering me to go home, and, eventually, taking full control of my body once I put up too much of a fight in my state of fear.

Once home and practically numb as I trapped myself in mind, I went through the motions of showering, changing, and collapsing into bed. Only then did the two of us finally allow everything to sink in and hurt me. I didn't cry that night, but I hyperventilated until my vision blurred and Atlas had to talk me down from a near-panic attack. While he soothingly ran his fingers through my hair and lead me through breathing exercises, he showed no hint of the ruthless aggression he had displayed as I fought my classmate. He was completely back to his normal, sweet ways and, all over again, I found myself falling for it, convincing myself that he cared about me and all he was doing was what he had been programmed to do to improve my life. 

I almost let myself completely become a sheep after that, refusing to ignore his judgement calls as my subconscious screamed at me to do after the completely out-of-character fight he had forced me into. Almost. But not just then. It took a while longer for him to completely numb me. 

But it happened. 

After a while, he brought so many good things into my life that I felt as though I couldn't deny him. He had me completely wrapped around his little finger and I practically bent at his will. He Atlas fed me answers for tests and quizzes and homework, making my already decent grades skyrocket. He lead me down the correct paths to avoid traffic and danger alike. He introduced me to amazing opportunities. So many so that I nearly forgot what he had made me do not that long ago. 

That nearly lost memory didn't stay lost for long, though. He insisted I do it again. He insisted I hurt more people, whether it was small fights or leaving someone broken apart. 

"Spencer, to have a good, safe life on this planet, sacrifices have to be made! There are horrible people in this world, but you were put here to take care of them, and I was put here to help you get there. You're a superhero like this! People depend on you to hurt the right people so things don't get out of hand. You have to do "bad" things for the world to be a better place."

And I had believed him. 

I believed every word he said. I allowed Atlas to drag me down a dark, dark path that I had never considered before. He didn't stop at starting fights at school- he didn't even stop at me breaking people's bones. Evidently, he didn't seem to see any end for me. He wasn't planning on letting me stop and now that I've started, I don't think I ever will be able to. 

Atlas has become the centre of my world and I cannot escape him no matter how hard I try. I don't want to do what he wants me to do but I will not let myself lose him. I want out but I'm trapped. Every time I struggle, the rope around my neck tightens further. I try to escape and I suffer. I let myself stay and I suffer. I want out but I don't. 

No one had ever confused me as much as Atlas does and that terrifies me because I don't think he's ever going to let me stop. I can't figure out his pattern. He wants me to do something new tonight and I'm terrified that it will only be a matter of time before he'll want me to move on to bigger, more intense things. There's nothing I can do to stop him or myself and nothing had ever scared me more. 

Tonight, Atlas wants me to make my first real kill.

And I think I'm going to do it.