always loved you

chapter four

t a i l o r

I wake up with a heavy heart. Caleb has been gone for eight months, and although his ghost is not as bad as Kieran's, it's still a ghost that haunts me.

My mother has sense looked past what he has done, and for reasons I'll never understand.

I spent the rest of my morning trying to forget the meaningless text. Imani's message notification lights up while I'm brushing my teeth.

Her smile is the first thing I see in the picture, and she's holding a McDonald's bag. The text reads, "surprise! Be there in 15"

I take a photo of the toothbrush in my mouth. "Omg thank you!"

I look around the room to calm the heaviness in my chest. My packed suitcase for the trip coming up, my desk covered with books, and my mason jar full of sand and seashells from the Clearwater trip one summer. Memories and clutter alike vie for attention, but none provide the calm I seek.

I yawn, thinking about the red bull in the fridge downstairs. The thought of it in my hand makes me feel a little more awake.

Slipping into my white vans, I grab my bag, car keys, and a yellow claw clip, mentally preparing for the worst. I know it's not a good mindset to have especially so early in the day, but I can't seem to brush it off like it's normal. The worries, the what-ifs, they cling to me like an unwanted shadow.

Imani's silver Corolla in the driveway sparks some relief ten minutes later. Her red blouse complements her complexion perfectly, and I can't help but smile at her. Her energy always has a way of lifting my spirits, even when I'm down.

"Hey Tai!" She greets me, handing over one bag that smells of bacon and eggs. "I got you your favorite! Oh, and a frappe for you in the cupholder."

I take a sip of the drink, the cold sweetness of it spreading through me like a little burst of happiness. "I love you."

She chuckles, "I'm your best friend for a reason!"

I chuckle and drink some more, feeling grateful for her thoughtfulness. "Next week it's my turn. Anything you want?"

She sighs and presses a red acrylic finger to her chin. "Hmm...Chick-Fil-A?"

I make a mental note of that and lean back, feeling the morning sun grant my warmth. The world seems a little brighter, a little more manageable with her by my side.

When she comes up to a red light, she turns and asks, "So?"

I look at her. "Hmm?"

She glances at me. "Did you text him back?"

"Text who back?" Does she know about-

Imani scoffs softly. "Marcus! Did you text him back?"

The realization hits me like a truck at the memory of it. I set my drink down and turn on my phone, seeing texts from my parents. Mom demanded I should have taken the trash out, and Dad told me to have a good day at school. The mix of their messages always leaves me feeling a bit off balance.

Scrolling through Instagram, I discover that I did not reply to Marcus as I thought I was going to. A sliver of relief fills me with some safety, knowing I should not be texting him back so late in the evening.

"Uh, no. I didn't." I turn to her, brushing hair out of my face. "Why, do you really think I should?"

Imani stuffs the hash brown bag back into the big one. "I mean, if you truly want to. I don't know if it's a good idea anymore."

"What makes you say that?" I already know the answer to that.

She sends me a side eye glare I know all too well. "Seriously?"

I don't know whether to chuckle or be freaked out. "What?"

We're close to the high school parking lot when she replies, "He's your ex-boyfriend's best friend, and although I'm all in for a scandal, I just don't want you getting hurt again. Marcus is one person closer to Kieran, and you don't want him finding out and getting mad, right?"

I don't respond fast enough. My mind replays the image of Kieran and me at the stop sign yesterday. I remember the look of confusion and hurt on his face so clearly.

"Right?" She urges, pulling into a parking space. "Besides, you were right about me and him not talking anymore. The idea of my best friend and ex-boy fling getting together makes me uncomfortable."

I sigh, agreeing with her. I wouldn't want her and Kieran suddenly being buddy-buddy behind my back. "No, yeah, you're right." I yawn again. After a couple minutes of silence, I tell her about yesterday. "I saw him yesterday."

"What?!" Imani about had a heart attack. "Saw who?!"

I tried to hide a smile while nearly choking on my frappe. "Let me expla-"

"What the hell do you mean you saw him yesterday? Where? When? How long were y'all together?" Imani starts to ramble. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"No, we didn't hang out. I was driving home and saw him at a stop sign... that's all." I tell her half the truth. I wasn't driving home... it was curiosity. I wanted to know if he was home this time, and if he wasn't, just to see a glimpse of his life on the outside. That's all. I couldn't admit to my best friend I was lowkey stalking my ex-boyfriend.

Imani exhales deeply. "Okay... that makes me feel a little better." She scans the parking lot, her eyes always sharp, always looking out for me. "Oh, before I forget, I won't be able to make it to prom."

It's my turn to nearly have a heart attack in her front seat. "What? Why?" I whine.

She bites into her bagel. "I have to go out of town for some family shit or whatever." She turns to me, her expression as frustrated as mine. "It's such bullshit. My dad's all like 'you'll have next year' and he promised to buy me any dress I want. But miss bestie Tailor, I want pictures!"

I sigh, almost defeated. "Who am I gonna go with now? I need you!"

She wipes the corner of her lips. "How about that one guy in our math class? Hardin? Holden?"

I raise an eyebrow. "Hayden?"

She snaps her fingers. "Yes, that's him! He's kinda hot."

I chuckle to myself, thinking about the kid with glasses and always wearing a weird green hoodie when it's eighty degrees out. "I'll think about it."

When it's time to go inside, Imani and I go our separate ways as I make my way to first period. The softness of these halls reminds me of the times Kieran and I would walk through them, our fingers entwined and laughter echoing against the lockers. I can't imagine the life I had with him here anymore... just a distant memory.

A memory I don't think I'll stop replaying.