always loved you

chapter thirteen

t a i l o r

The gray light shines softly through the window, soft rain gently hitting the glass. Arms wrapped around my body, keeping my skin warm among the chilly air.

When my eyes adjust to my surroundings, the memories of last night come back, making my head hurt and spin around in endless circles. I need Tylenol and a shower.

Every single mixed emotion hits me. Guilt, shame and hope. The realization of who I am lying next to hits harder than anything before.

Kieran's bedroom.

Kieran's shirt is gone, and his sandy blonde hair lies messily. His eyes are shut, but his body language is not at all tense. He seems relaxed to the point of pure ecstasy.

I wonder if this was the first time he's had a good night sleep in a while...so at peace with himself.

The image of him crying himself to sleep makes me feel even more guilt and shame...the image of him looking into a mirror and only seeing the light disappear. To only see a ghost of someone he used to know taunting him.

I couldn't stay in this bed another minute, but I don't know how to leave Kieran without waking him up.

Then, there is a little bit of hope. This newfound hope feels so comfortable inside, like a warm ember glowing in the hearth of my chest, and I wish for it to remain there as long as possible. For once, my heart and my head are not telling me two different things, creating a war inside. Instead, they are harmoniously whispering the same message: stay.

I let out a heavy breath, the weight of my uncertainty pressing down on my shoulders. Was this just a simple hookup mistake, a fleeting moment of passion that would soon fade, or was there something more, something deeper? A part of me desperately wants this to be real, to be the start of something meaningful. But then, there's the nagging fear, the gnawing doubt. I can't decide which is worse: lying to Kieran or lying about him, to myself and to everyone else.

My mind replays the moments we shared, the way his eyes softened when he looked at me, the warmth of his touch, the way his laugh seemed to echo in my chest. Each memory fuels the hope, but also sharpens the fear. If I let this hope grow, if I nurture it and it turns out to be just an illusion, the fall will be devastating. But if I snuff it out now, I might be killing something beautiful before it even has a chance to blossom.

I sigh again, deeper this time, trying to clear my thoughts. The room feels smaller, the air thicker, as if the very space around me is closing in. I need clarity, I need to talk to Kieran, to understand what he feels, what he wants. But the words are tangled in my throat, and the fear of what his answer might be keeps me silent.

The hope is still there, flickering gently, and I hold onto it, even as doubt and fear swirl around it like shadows. Maybe, just maybe, this time things could be different. Maybe this time, the hope won't turn to ash.