always loved you

chapter ten

t a i l o r

That night, as I lay face buried into my pillow, the events of the afternoon replay in my mind like a broken record. The weight of the situation presses down on me, suffocating any clarity I seek. My thoughts are a tangled mess, each thread leading to more questions and doubts.

I can still feel the tension in the air, thick and suffocating, as Kieran's anger erupted like a dormant volcano. His outburst was unexpected, like a sudden storm on a clear day. I wonder what triggered it, what lies beneath the surface of his usually calm demeanor.

Marcus, on the other hand, seemed stunned by Kieran's aggression, caught off guard and unprepared. Despite the conflict, I can't shake the pang of concern for him. Seeing him pinned against the car, vulnerable and exposed, stirred a protective instinct within me.

Though I can't help but feel drawn to Kieran's brooding intensity and wounded pride, a magnetic pull that defies reason. His pain resonates with me on a level I can't quite comprehend, stirring emotions I thought I had buried deep.

Then there's Imani, a steadfast presence during the storm. Her concern is palpable, her offer of support a lifeline in the tumultuous sea of my emotions. Yet even her unwavering friendship feels like a fragile thread in the face of the turmoil brewing within me.

As I lie there, grappling with conflicting emotions and unanswered questions, the realization dawns on me that this is more than just a momentary conflict. It's a reflection of deeper rifts and unresolved tensions that have been simmering beneath the surface for far too long.

One thing remains clear: I can't continue to bury my head in the sand, pretending that everything is fine when it's not. I need to confront the truth, confront my feelings, and confront the choices that lie ahead.

With a heavy heart and a weary mind, I know that I can't simply erase the events of today or pretend they never happened. I need to face them head-on, with courage and honesty, if I ever hope to find the peace and clarity I so desperately seek.

When I wake up again, it's dark outside. The stillness of the bedroom leaves me wondering how long I had been asleep.

I feel a soft vibration somewhere on my bed. It takes my eyes a moment to adjust to the sudden brightness, but through blurry vision, I see the sender of the most recent text is a blue heart.

My blue heart.

I open the conversation to see, let me up typed out perfectly in front of me. Why is he trying to come up here? Why not send it via text?

I crawl out of bed and make my way over to the window. I thought that there would be no possibility of him showing up tonight until I look down and see him.

This is a bad idea, my subconscious tells me. He needs to leave and go literally anywhere but here. I try to come up with at least one reason why this is wrong, but all I can think about is the thrill of him being here.

You are going to regret this later, the angel on my shoulder tries to convince.

I text back, back door. The back door doesn't have an alarm system like the front of the house, which makes me wonder why.

Peering out the window, Kieran sneaks off to the backyard. I do the same thing; quietly going down the stairs to let him in through the back door that enters the kitchen. When I open the door just enough, Kieran slips through and watches me close it behind him.

Without any words, I make my way up the stairs with him behind me again. Kieran keeps his distance enough to where I can walk up the stairs without feeling uncomfortable, but he's still there.

Once we get up to my room, I shut the door softly. Will I ever learn that this never works? No matter how many times we reunite in the dark, one of us always winds up hurt?

The silence in the air is captivating, yet so dangerous I am afraid to move. Ask him why he's here.

As Kieran stands before me, his desperation becomes palpable, etched into the lines of his face and the urgency in his voice. "You're wondering why I'm here, aren't you?" he speaks, his words a plea for understanding.

I nod silently, unable to find the words to express the whirlwind of emotions swirling within me.

His sigh is heavy with the weight of unspoken truths. "I don't know," he admits, his voice tinged with frustration and longing. "I just..." He falters, unable to articulate the storm raging inside him.

Desperation drives him to step closer, his movements tentative yet determined. In the soft glow of the moonlight, his features are illuminated in a way that makes my heart ache with a bittersweet longing. His touch ignites a fire within me, sending shivers down my spine as his fingers brush against my skin. I find myself holding my breath, caught in the spell of his presence.

"I wish you could see yourself the way I do," he whispers, his words a tender plea for acceptance. "Go to prom with me."

I pull away, the reality of our situation crashing down around us. "I can't," I whisper, my voice laced with regret. "I already told Marcus I'd go with him."

Kieran's exhale is sharp, his desperation rising to the surface. "But can't you see, Tailor?" he implores, his voice cracking with emotion. "I need you."

I shake my head, my resolve hardening with each passing moment. "This doesn't have anything to do with your fight with Marcus, does it?" I press, refusing to be swayed by his desperation.

His admission is raw, his desperation laid bare for all to see. "You saw that?" he asks, his voice tinged with disbelief. "Do you know why I nearly beat the shit out of him?"

My heart aches at his confession, but I know I can't let myself be swayed by guilt or pity. "It doesn't matter," I reply, my voice firm despite the tears threatening to spill from my eyes. "I choose me, Kieran. I choose my own sanity."

"Marcus is not who he says he is. You know that." He adds. "He's going to hurt you."

"And you didn't?" I snap, speaking in a normal tone. I should spit out an apology. Tell him I'm sorry to savor any moment left between us.

He looks around the room. "He doesn't deserve you."

"Well, neither did you." I spit out again, tears in my eyes.

With that, Kieran turns toward my bedroom door. Just before he walks out, he looks at me. "You're making a mistake." he whispers, his words a haunting echo of the love we once shared.

As Kieran leaves, a heavy silence descends upon the room, punctuating the weight of our unspoken words and unresolved emotions. My heart aches with the knowledge that I've chosen to prioritize my own well-being over the allure of Kieran's desperate pleas.

But as I watch him retreat, I can't help but feel a sense of clarity wash over me. I've spent too long entangled in a web of manipulation and heartache, allowing myself to be swayed by the whims of others at the expense of my own happiness.

In the quiet of my room, I find solace in the realization that I've finally chosen to break free from the cycle of toxicity that has plagued my relationships. I choose me—not out of selfishness, but out of a deep-seated need for self-preservation.

With a heavy sigh, I wipe away the tears that threaten to spill from my eyes, steeling myself for the road ahead. I may not have all the answers, but I refuse to let fear dictate my choices any longer.

As I stand there, alone in the darkness, I feel a sense of empowerment wash over me. No matter what the future may hold, I know that I have the strength to face it head-on, armed with the knowledge that I am worthy of love and respect.