Time After Time || Chris Cornell

21. The Spirit Gives But Also Takes Away

Seattle Washington, March 29 1990

(Andi is 20, Chris is 25)

ANDI: I emerge from the bathroom, wrapped in a towel, water droplets still dripping over my skin as I quickly shuffle my way into our bedroom. In the days since Andy's memorial, things have definitely been 'off'. I feel numb, as if I'm floating outside my body where I'm watching everything from above myself trying to scream out but no sound comes out. I'm devastated and heartbroken. I can only imagine Xana feels the same, possibly worse since she was the one to find Andy, much like I did only this time...

Xana has not exactly been on the best of terms with Chris and I. The fact that her and Andy were fighting all the time didn't help but she has been especially unreasonable with me. I just try to ignore it because I know she is going through a lot of pain, but I am too. It's not easy. Xana had moved out just a few days ago after a huge blow up with her and Chris. She accused him of putting it in Andy's head that she was cheating, which is why he had slumped into such a deep depression and turned to heroin.

Needless to say Chris was obviously hurt by that accusation and after a good screaming match between them, he kicked her out. I don't blame him for doing so, but I also just wish we could work things out together. Xana had already taken most of Andy's things to her new apartment, and I was surprised that she found one so quick. When she tried to take Andy's journals and demos that Chris and he had written and recorded here in the apartment together, that's when Chris lost it. Chris is not one to fight over material things, stuff like that has never mattered to him, but when it comes to music and stuff he created whether it be himself or with Andy, or even me for that fact, he was incredibly sentimental and wanted to hang on for just a little longer.

Kim and Matt had already been over here yesterday to help with a few things so Jeff and Stone are supposed to come over in a little while to help with what's left of Andy's room. I think Jeff and Stone just want to be there for Chris as he still tries to come to terms with the fact that Andy's gone. I still haven't told anyone where I was when I slipped that night in New York. I want to, I just don't know how.

I finish changing into some clean clothes, my curls still damp from the shower when I hear Chris and Xana in Andy's bedroom arguing once again. I untuck my curls from my Aerosmith band shirt, scrunching the ends up to help keep it curly, and walk out to the hallway, Chris's booming voice and Xana's yelling floating down the hallway.

"Xana, you can't take everything for yourself... some of this needs to go to his family"

"Family? His family? His family that ended his life support? His family that didn't give a shit about him in the first place? Who the hell are you to tell me what I can and can't have?!"

"I'm not saying that at all," Chris says.

"Y'know what, I don't give a fuck... it's your fucking place anyways, I'm just the girlfriend of your former roommate. I know I don't matter - "

"Xana!?" Chis says yells as I walk down the hallway.

"Fuck you both!" She says and storms out of the bedroom, not even looking in my direction, grabs her jacket from the couch and walks out slamming the front door. I flinch a little at the sound and appear in the doorway of Andy's room as Chris closes the closet door.

"You alright baby?" I ask.

"Me? Yea... yea I'm fine," he exhales and turns to crouch down, flipping his curls out of his face, picking up a box full of demos and a couple of journals and a few photos.

"She's just... angry," I say quietly.

"Yea I know," He says and turns to me , leaning down and placing a kiss on my lips. A part of me feels horrible that I still haven't told him where I slipped that night in New York. I need to tell him, I need to say that I saw Andy on that stretcher and that I knew something was wrong.