To The World I Close My Eyes To See | chanlix

Chapter Eighteen

As the weeks went on and the topic wasn't touched again, Chan started to feel a bit anxious.

On his part, he didn't want to make Felix feel pressured. Deep inside, he knew that it wasn't an easy process so it was only understandable that Felix needed to work around some things before confirming anything.

When a whole month from that conversation passed by and still nothing had been said, Chan started not only to feel anxious but hurt as well. He was in this as much as Felix was so it was only right to keep him updated, right? It was impossible that in so long, Felix didn't get any more information about the study path he wanted to take.

Chan decided to address the topic himself the next time their souls met, preferring to wait then than to do it through a call or a text. At least that was the closest thing he could do to discuss it face to face.

As Felix materialised in his dreams that night, he didn't wait too long to bring up the subject, knowing that he would have talked himself out of it if he had waited any longer, scared to overwhelm his boyfriend.

"Can I ask you something?" Chan started, opting not to ask Felix what was in his mind straight away but giving him some sort of warning first.

Felix, who was going through Chan's collection of CDs, made an affirmative sound before turning to look at the older sitting on the bed. When he noticed the serious expression on Chan's face, he turned around, now fully concentrating on him.

Once Felix was standing in front of him, Chan talked again. "It's been a month since you told me you're thinking about attending college here, then you've never told me anything more about it."

It was an observation more than anything but Felix could clearly hear the implied question.

Have you changed your mind?

At the way Felix tensed up, Chan understood there was no good answer to that and for a single moment, he regretted asking anything in the first place.

"I wanted to talk to you about this but I didn't know how to," Felix began, not moving any closer to Chan who still staring up at him from his bed. "I told my mother about it. She doesn't really like the idea," he confessed, rubbing the back of his neck.

In him, Chan could see multiple emotions, from sadness to discouragement, to disappointment. What made Chan reconsider his previous thoughts was the blunt surrender written all over Felix's face as if he had long come to terms with the idea of giving up.

After spending every day for a month hoping for good news, silencing his doubts with the reminders that Felix cared and there was a reason why he didn't bring up the topic, now Chan could only feel anger. Maybe it was unfounded but he still couldn't calm down his emotions and rationally think about the situation.

"So, you're saying you're giving up just because your mother doesn't like the idea?" Chan asked rhetorically, his voice as cold as Felix had never heard it. Not directed at him, at least.

The sound of it made Felix tense up too, those defence walls coming up in full force.

"What I'm saying," Felix started, putting emphasis on the words, "is that she needs some time to grasp what is going on. I can't just move to the other side of the world and leave her behind."

Felix was starting to get annoyed as well, Chan could understand it by the way his voice was getting lower and his words slower, as if he wanted to make sure Chan was listening to each and every single one of them.

"You're not leaving her behind, she can't stop you from wanting to be with your soulmate!" Chan exclaimed, a wave of unfair anger directed at Felix's mother growing in his chest. After all that Felix had told him about the woman, Chan should have understood where her scepticism came from. But in that moment, the only thing he could associate with her was the realisation that Felix wasn't going to move closer to him as he had been hoping for so long.