c h a p t e r t h i r t e e n ❝ betrayal & regret ❞
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━━━━━━━☆☆━━━━━━━
WHEN JOSH OPENED HIS EYES HE WAS RELIEVED WHEN HE SAW SAM. Instead of waking up on the dirty floor of a bar, he was in his bed at home, perfectly tucked in, washed and in his pyjamas.
"You're awake, good," Sam said, he gave him a smile before he stood up to leave. He felt as though Josh needed his time alone, and didn't want to bother him anymore. He stopped when Josh reached out to him, literally holding his hand out to him. Sam turned and saw that the younger boy had tears pooling in his eyes, and the started running down his cheek.
"I didn't feel numb," Josh said, Sam slowly sat back down without saying a word; he let him speak. Josh covered his face with his arm as he started to cry. "Damnit! I didn't want to feel this, I wanted it to melt away, but . . . I saw it again when I was asleep."
"Saw what again, Josh?" Sam asked, and his half-brother remained silent. Sam frowned, he'd put up with a lot since Josh had arrived, and have given him enough space. None of that had worked, so now he had to push for him to open up; this seemed like the perfect time.
"Josh?"
"I saw — I saw him hurting her again. I couldn't do anything, I couldn't help her. I was useless." he cried with his entire body while gripping the sheets with his free hand. Sam could only watch as the boy who'd been so angry for so long finally broke down and faced his feelings. Though it was, unfortunately, came because of an alcoholic bender.
"He just kept hitting her, over and over and over again. She looked at me, stared at me right in the eyes, begging me to do something, anything. But all I did was hid, I didn't help her, instead of covered my ears to block out her screams!" Josh continued with his story, " . . . I tried to make it up to her, but no one believed me. Not my teachers, not my friends, not even the police. Then he found out and everything was so much worse. He acted like it hadn't happened, she told me to forget about, she told me it was just my imagination! I knew those were just his words, he was forcing her to say those things, but I-I wanted to believe it and I did. I denied it, I apologized for lying to everyone and we never talked about it."
" . . ." Sam didn't know what to say to that. What could he say to that?
"But then it happened again. I wasn't there at that time, but I saw the aftermath, the dried blood on his clothes, and how beat up she looked. Everything came back again and I was angry, so angry. But I couldn't do anything to him," Josh let out a dry chuckle before he frowned. "I couldn't touch him because she asked me not to. She defended that bastard! What hell was wrong with her? How the hell do you defend your abusive husband's actions to your son!?"
"You mean, Joshua and your mom," Sam couldn't even finish his sentence as Josh removed his arm from his face and stared at him with red, teary eyes.
"He beat her regularly when I was little, and only stopped once I was old enough to actually have people listen to me. But by then it was too late, I'd already made a reputation for myself. The ironic part of it all? I acted it so he would look bad at first, but when I tried, to tell the truth, my reputation bit me in the ass."
☆
Progress was slow but it happened. After revealing to Sam the biggest secret in his entire life, a burden he'd been carrying for years. Josh calm down a bit, it felt good venting to someone and have them sit back and listen to his words. Sam believed him instantly, even though every bit of Josh's character would make others do the opposite.
After their talk, Sam understood Josh more than he'd ever done before. He was frustrated anymore with his actions, instead, he felt sympathetic and guilty. Guilty that he hadn't pushed for the conversation sooner, and sympathetic because Josh was still a kid, he was only fifteen and yet he was acting like an adult going through a mid-life crisis. Shouldering so much wasn't healthy for any kid, and to have to do it for so long?
"I regret not knowing about you sooner," Sam admitted, to Josh as they sat on the front porch. Emily was inside making the brother some food, but also giving them some space to talk it out. She could feel that something had changed in their relationship, something positive.
"Don't, it's not your fault. I didn't know about you either." Josh said while tossing a stone up and down in his hand. It felt nice getting from fresh air, for the last few days he'd spent them in his room with the occasional visit from Sam and Emily.
"I did know though," Sam's words caused Josh to freeze, he turned to the man who had his head in his hands. "Well, no. I knew that he'd moved on, I knew that he had another family, I heard people whispering about it. But I didn't think much of it, I was just glad he was out of my life. I thought it was better he be with someone else and here with me."
Josh just nodded at his words, before tossing away the stone he was messing around with. The two sat in silence until Emily announced that the food was ready.
Progress?
☆
"I'm sorry, what? I-I don't understand what you're saying." Josh replied as he had his phone to his ear. He was the middle of a conversation with Paul, whom he hadn't heard from in weeks. Not since the incident at the bar, Paul had completely ghosted him.
It was the middle of the night, maybe about one in the morning and Paul had suddenly called him out of the blew. The house was empty, other than Emily who was sleeping in the other room. Like most nights, Sam was off in the woods somewhere, doing who knows what. Josh had been fast asleep until his phone started ringing from his desk.
"I'm saying that we probably should hang out as much, or ever. Look, it was fun, but I'm going to eighteen soon and I can't keep messing around like some kid, I could get in serious trouble and what happened at the bar —"
"You're saying it's my fault." it wasn't a question that Josh had asked, but a statement. Having Paul blame out loud was completely different from Josh internally blaming himself. Maybe because it made it more real?
'I knew it, I fucking knew it.'
Josh thought to himself, as he did so he couldn't hear the words that came out of Paul's mouth. He couldn't hear when the boy said that it wasn't his fault, but his own. He couldn't hear when Paul apologized to him for his behaviour, he couldn't hear when Paul said in fact that it was Josh's fault, but his own for being a bad influence.
"Josh?" Paul called for the boy on the other side of the line but received no answer. Thinking that perhaps he had already hung up, he did the same.
Josh sat on his bed his eyes staring out at the dark night sky, grew clouds covered the stars and moon casting a veil of darkness of the thick forest. An otherwise beautiful night, was none resistant.
