Creepy Uncle Sam's Gastronomy Guide For The Apocalypse

Chapter VI: Doctor Fowler's Plethora of Precious Pickle Pantries

You know your vegetables, masterfully cutting onions and carrots like its nobody's business.

You know your spices, having created a Spice Empire like no human has ever seen.

Now, it is time to put your skills to the test by combining everything you have learned until now into the ultimate test — pickling!

Wait, don't run away, I'm not mad. Just hear me out.

There is perhaps no better skill to learn for the apocalyptic chef than pickling, as it is the premier way to preserve your food in case society decides to go full Mad Max on us. Even with no electricity, and no source of heating, pickling can preserve your food for longer than any other medium. It also helps that pickling makes everything more delicious by default.

Think of it as a gift from you to you that you can enjoy when you have to run away from home in the middle of the night because Rohan the Untainted decided to raid your home for your Spice collection. Just grab a handful of pickles and you might survive for a few days without the worry of sanitation of entering the danger zone while you plan your revenge.

See, bacteria can't live in three distinct occurrences:

1. They can't live in inhospitable temperatures. Which is why we freeze

2. They can't live in highly saline environments, which means that salt kills them. This is done by the process of osmosis, which we will discuss later.

3. They can't live in acidic environments. Acetic acid, commonly found in vinegar or bleach, attacks the proteins and fats of the bacteria, decomposing it. Which is why vinegar is used to clean food and surfaces.

Pickling, as it were, taps into the last two principles by making an environment that it is inhospitable for bacteria to grow, thus making your food borderline immortal. Please don't try to make a fishbowl of brine and vinegar to live in as it will mess your skin off. We tried, and it's not pretty. Just ask Peter the Blob. He used to be called Handsome Peter.

But food doesn't care about that. Food is only made to be delicious. But let's take this one step at a time and get the science-y explanation out of the way.

Pickles is the name given to foods that have been immersed (marinated) in a salt solution, and which have fermented on their own or with the help of a harmless microorganism (like lactobacillus plantarum), in which the pH decreases and its acidity increases to able to extend its conservation. Acid and salt, working together to kill bacteria like unlikely lovers.

What allows conservation is the acidic medium — vinegar — that has a pH of less than 4.6 and which enough to kill most necrobacteria. Pickling allows you to keep food for months. Herbs and antimicrobial substances, such as mustard, garlic, cinnamon, or cloves, are usually added to improve the taste or shelf life. Read the previous chapter to see what spice does what and what taste they add so you can customize your pickles.

How to pickle:

First, pick what you want to pickle. You can pretty much pickle anything, but that doesn't mean you should. Can you pickle a chicken? Yes, you can. Should you? I mean, I'm not going to stop you. I shall only judge you. I would recommend staying with vegetables for now. Maybe fish.

With vegetables, you want crisp, crunchy ones, as they will remain so when pickling. The most popular pickling ingredient is...the pickle! Meaning, cucumber, because it is super crispy.

A pickle needs brine, which is basically salty water and vinegar. Don't use seawater, you dillhole. A dollop of sugar is usually added to make the food ferment, adding an interestingly tasty and tangy flavor.