Creepy Uncle Sam's Gastronomy Guide For The Apocalypse

Chapter IV: Veggie Tales From The Abyss

Chances are that you, the intelligent and incredibly handsome survivor of the apocalypse that you are, have befriended the local wise old man who may or not be simply known as "Doc" that keeps a well-curated garden of herbs and vegetable that he so nicely gives out to those who protect your settlement. Hopefully, that's you!

This apothecary of herbs and vegetables is perhaps your best bet for a positive nutrition for the apocalypse, as trade routes are the first thing that falls during the end of times, and those are the ones that bring meat, fish, and poultry to your table. So unless you keep a small chicken coop/stable in your backyard, vegetables will be the most versatile source of nutrients you will have available.

Not only are vegetables easier to store and keep, but they don't suffer the danger zone syndrome that animal proteins suffer from. As long as you sanitize them properly, they can be the backbone of any diet.

Which is why you have to learn how not to fuck them up.

Vegetables are incredibly versatile because most of the time you can use 100% of what they can offer, producing no waste at all so you can figuratively milk them for every ounce of nutrients. This, of course, is assuming the nuclear fallout didn't fuse animals and vegetables to create a walking abomination that you can actually milk. In which case, don't try to milk an onion - they're very fuzzy.

In order to take advantage of everything a vegetable has to offer, you will first need to figure out how to actually cut the damn things.

I get it - you're a strong, independent survivor that has to fend off marauders at 3 and reinforce the putter walks before noon, so you might just grab whatever vegetable is around and just chop it whatever way and be done with it. Thing is, you're only doing a disservice to yourself AND Doc who so carefully curated those vegetables.

If you know how to chop a vegetable the proper way, not only will you make it last longer, but you will bring up the best flavor they can muster by giving them a uniform cooking. There is nothing worse than a poorly cooked carrot that is too chunky and gives your teeth that crackling feeling that sends a chill down your spine. And you know as well as me that dentists are not exactly a fine a dozen during the apocalypse.

For now, we will be covering Onions, Carrots, and Celery. These grow all over the world, and most cultures incorporate them and variants of these in their cuisine all over the world. In a pinch, the most versatile vegetables to have around are Onions, Carrots, and Celery, as the combination of the three are the basics of most modern cuisine, called Mirepoix.

Onions:

How to Sanitize: clean outer layer with soap and water. Peel tough and dried outer layers.

Zero Waste Tip: Save the layers in the freezer to make soups and fonds!

The onion, like ogres, have layers, which make them the trickiest vegetable to cut, but one of the tastiest around. Whether eaten raw or cooked, learning how to make uniform cuts are a must, as the difference between a burnt piece of onion and a raw one is but millimeters.

Some of the members of the onion family are: Scallions, Spring Onions, Vidalias, Ramps, Yellow Onions, White Onions, Red Onions, Shallots, Pearl Onions, Cippolini Onions, Leeks.

Although they all taste different, they all have layers, and thus, the techniques for one translate to the other.

Generally speaking, onions have a mild sweet flavor, with a sharp, astringent aftertaste, with a crisp texture. They last for a long time after harvest, and go great with everything! Except with icecream. Don't.