YOU 2 [Charli D'Amelio]

Chapter 134.

I walk to the bedroom and sit on the edge of the bed. What the hell am I going to do?

I am sick to my stomach from all of this. I knew Max wasn't a good person before and I knew there were some things that I wouldn't be happy to hear but out of all the things I thought Anne could be referring to, this never ever crossed my mind. She recorded herself having sex with a girl without her knowing and showed it to her friends. Even worse, Max's friend showed everyone. Avani parents and her church found out, she lost her scholarship and was kicked out of her house. To top it off when she was kicked out and asked to stay with Max, Max told her no despite the fact that she was the cause of all of her problems. She violated her in a terrible, deplorable way and she didn't even care. She had no remorse for her actions and she still barely does. Unwelcome tears spill down my cheeks and I try to breathe in and out slowly, careful not to choke on my own breath.

The worse part to me is knowing her name. If she was just some anonymous girl I could almost pretend that she didn't exist. Knowing that her name is Avani opens up too many thoughts. What does she look like? What did she plan to study in college before Max took her scholarship from her, does she have any brother's or sister's? Did they know? If Anne wouldn't have brought this up would I have ever known?

How many times did they have sex? Did Max like it? Of course she did. I am reminded. It's sex and obviously Max was having a lot of it. With other girls, Lots of other girls. Did she stay the night with Avani after? Why do I feel jealous of Avani? I should feel sorry for her not envy her for touching Max. I push the sick thought out of my mind and go back to thinking about the type of person Max really is.

Can I forgive her for this? The more I think about it I don't have anything to forgive her for, she didn't do it this terrible thing to me. Not this time. I didn't even know her when she taped herself having sex with her. I am disgusted by myself for the jealousy that keeps clawing its way to the surface.

I should have had her stay to talk it out, I always leave or in this case made her leave. The problem is that she clouds my thoughts, her presence washes away every ounce of gumption I hold. I have no constraint when she is involved.

I wish I knew what happened to Avani after Max demolished her life, leaving her with nothing but rubble at her feet. If she is happy now and leading a good life I would feel better, slightly. I wish I had a friend to talk about all of this with, someone to give me advice. Even if I did I wouldn't divulge Max's indiscretion, I do not want anyone to know what she has done to these girls. I know how foolish it is to want to protect her when she doesn't deserve it, but I can not help it. I don't want anyone to think any worse of her and mostly I don't want her to think any worse of herself than she already does.

I lay back against the pillows and stare up at the ceiling. I just got over. well was working on getting over Max using me to win a bet with her friends and now this? If it was just Avani maybe it wouldn't be so bad but even after seeing the extent of the damage she had caused to the girl, she did it again with her friend's sister, then played another game with me. This is a cycle with her, this is what she does, will she be able to stop doing it? What would have happened to me if she wouldn't have fallen in love with me?

I know that she loves me, she truly does love me. I know that.

"Do you know how that feels to have someone love you despite all the fucked up shit you do?"

I do love her despite all the mistakes she makes and has made in the past. I do see a change in her since I have met her, even in the last week I have seen a change in her. She has never expressed her feelings about me the way she did today. I just wish that her declaration was announced under different circumstances.