The Billionaire's Hero

Regret

Chapter 13 - Regret 

MONISHA SINGH

Callum didn't know what exactly it is that he should or shouldn't do. She kept giving him mixed signals. She'd hold him close with one hand and then push him away with the other. So this time when she flung herself in his arms, he caught her but then took a step back.  

"I thought-" 

"It's always been like that with us if you hadn't noticed. I say something and provoke you and then in the moment you pull me close, but then when you lose the high you push me away. I have been the one pursuing this the whole time Mon." 

"You wanted this..." 

"I wanted this because I thought that you wanted me too." 

"I do" 

"You do but then you have no idea the next morning's regret in your eyes, it breaks my damn heart. And I'm only human Mon." 

With a shake of his head Cal headed downstairs. 

Mon didn't know what exactly it is that he wanted. he told her to choose her and she had. Wit his words ringing in her ear she wondered if he wasn't just one amongst a long list of people to whom he had done the same thing. even when she was with Sean she did the same thing. 

She was forever grateful that she met Sean but then again, what they had wasn't a relationship. It was sure beneficial and it worked, but hadn't it been true that when she had overdosed back then, it was Sean who had come to her rescue and then she hadn't been in contact with him up until her loneliness was too much to handle. 

When had she really been there for Sean? Or even anyone who had been in her life for that matter. 

A bitter smile crept up her face and she couldn't hold back the laughter that escaped her lips. There was nothing funny about this. It was insane and pathetic of how much she had let her family control how she lived. She was the one who gave them the power to hurt her in the first place. Sure the first fifteen years of her life weren't in her hands but then she had run off to freedom. 

Her grammy had helped her run but she wondered how much of her soul had she left back there in that storage room .She was sure her grammy was looking down on her with disappointment. 

She headed downstairs once she was ready. 

Cal was sitting on the floor with his back resting against the couch, is legs spread in front of him as his hand was clenched around a bottle of Jack. A box of pizza sat open but untouched. Basketball played on TV on mute but she was sure with the way he kept taking swigs from the bottle, that he wasn't really watching the game. 

She grabbed a can from the kitchen that was fully stocked and then sat down beside him. 

"Look I know... I'm sorry. I really don't know how to do this." 

"You won't even let yourself try." he remarked. 

"I was abused as a kid." 

"I guessed so but you - " 

"Do you know what it is to be ten and raped by your own father's men?" 

Cal looked at her finally but she kept her eyes averted. If she was going to get this out than she wouldn't look him in the eye. She couldn't. 

"I didn't know what it even meant. All I knew was that I was scared out of my mind and ... so much pain." she closed her eyes. "I was left bleeding on the floor the first time. Grammy was the one who applied salve. It took me a month to recover from the wounds. My immunity was so low because I wasn't fed properly. Grammy did all she could y'know. But then what's a 50 year old woman on a wheel chair gonna do?" 

"Please stop." 

"I'm not telling you this because I want to use this as an excuse to stay away from you. I want you to understand what sex means to me. I was raped for the five years next. Grammy threatened them at first and they stayed away for three months but then it happened again, and when I told my father, he laughed in my face. They realised that they had no reason to be scared anymore. So they came every time I was thrown in the storage room. Sex was punishment for me. Something to endure. That was until this guy I met in Mumbai. He was considerate and he genuinely loved me y'know. But the way he clung, it scared me. I didn't know what to do. So I ran away. It has always been like that but I realised how much power sex had. How much power I had over another. It was... intoxicating. That high to fuck on my terms after they took everything from me. It was freedom. Sex was freedom but you have to understand that the feelings and emotions that I received felt like chains. I felt suffocated. Which is why I stayed with Sean for so long. He didn't put me through the binds of relationship. He wanted some one else and I wanted... pleasure for myself. To feel good. You are the first person whose made me realise what all those guys felt and I don't like it. I don't like what you make me feel. I like being with you. I just don't want to ruin this Cal. You mean more to me than anyone else and I don't want to be wrapped in chains. The only way I realise I can be with you is the way I was with Sean. To feel you close during sex. Because every next morning I'm gonna have that regret in my eyes. The regret... because I know that day isn't far when I will break your heart." 

Silence ensued and Mon let herself look at him at that moment. The Tv played light over his face but she couldn't see anything on his face. there was no pity, no sympathy, no smile. Just a blank face looking right at her. 

He blinked once then turned his head 

"You're worth the heartbreak." 

Five words. Just five little words and they knocked the breath out of her as if she was hit by a wrecking ball. 

"What do you...

"In all that you said what I realised was that you don't believe your worth. I see it. I know the Hunts see it. You still believe what your family has told you. I don't doubt that they made you think you're trash. But I'm telling you, you're worth a heartbreak. Hell, you're worth so much that if you trampled all over my heart right now and then if you come back I'd take you back in a heartbeat." 

"Have you lost it?" she yelled. She couldn't see his face anymore. Everything became blurry, everything was blurry. She just couldn't take it. 

"I'm... toxic." 

"Nothing I say is gonna make you believe that, that's utter bullshit. With a sigh he got up and picked up the bottle along. "You're worth a heart break Manisha. I won't lie and say that I'm not falling for you. What happened to you, I can't even imagine..." his voice cracked with emotion and Mon looked up at him in shock. "I'm giving you space. I'm not giving up on you. After everything is done and you're free, it will be all in your hands. I don't know whether you'd feel like you're in chains or other wise if you do choose me. All I know is if you do choose me, I would see to it that for once you won't just survive by but you'll live your life like you want to." 

Cal's words rang in her ears. His footsteps receded as he took the stairs to the bedroom upstairs. What he had sad was all true, but how was she supposed to take that leap of faith not knowing how it would feel. She knew that she hated it every time she had left someone who got close to her. She was so clueless and scared that she wished he'd come back and take her in his arms and take the loneliness away. 

How could he not understand that no matter what she said she felt, she didn't regret even one second of being with him, that she regretted that when it came to leaving him, that she'd break her heart too and nobody would ever replace him. That when she left him, that the freedom she had found in her independence would be lost too. 

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Sorry for being so late in updating the chapter.  I'll sure try my level best for regular updations from now on. 

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- Nami