Wistful

Chapter 21 - Hush

(Kadynce's POV)

**** ALMOST FOUR YEARS AGO ****

"Everything is looking good Ms. Martinez." Dr. Putin told me, smiling at me as she handed over my ultrasound pictures. I am officially four months pregnant today and I'm hating it. "I'll see you back here for the next visit."

"Thanks." I told her, sadly, lazily taking the pictures from her.

She hasn't revealed to me what the sex of the baby is yet because I don't care to know. I hate that I am even in this situation. All I have been for the last few months is angry.

"What's the matter?" She asked me, her Russian accent heavy. "Why you not happy?"

I guess, she expected me to smile because having a baby is supposed to be celebrating, but I'm not happy. I feel as if Jake has fully and eternally invaded my body. He raped me and now I am forced to have his baby. I never wanted a baby by Jake, not after seeing how he can, and does treat me. I hate the thought of being connected to him for the rest of my life.

I stayed quiet because I didn't know what to say. "She doesn't know how I got pregnant and I wasn't planning on telling her either. Giving her a lazy, trying smile I spoke. "I am, I'm really tired."

She just nodded and walked over to where a few pamphlets hung on the wall. Taking one out of the holder, she walked it over to me and put it in my hands. It read: Parents and Pregnancy Survivors. I opened it.

On the first page, it had articles about sexual assault victims and what options you can take if you don't want your baby. I was getting ready to hand it back to her and deny any sexual assault until I read about unplanned pregnancies. I didn't want her to even begin to think that it was a sexual assault situation, Jake would kill me if he found out.

"There's a number here." She pointed at the bottom of the page. "Give them a call." She told me. "They have meetings twice a week. They can help you."

I wanted to break down; I want to cry to her because she was showing my compassion and understanding. "Okay." I told her before I ended our appointment and left her office. She doesn't know for sure, but I'm sure she has figured out that I don't want this baby and that something happened to me.

I'm angry.

I'm angry with myself and I'm angry at Jake and I'm angry at this baby for growing inside of me.

I don't want my life and I don't want this baby, but I must be strong for Nikki.

Ugh, Jake...

I can't believe that I was actually thinking about taking our relationship to the next step when I was pregnant with Nikkol. The thought of that now makes me physically sick.

He has nothing to offer this kid, and neither do I. I'm angry at it, and I'm angry at Jake.

He's a monster.

I don't allow him to touch Nikki.

I don't want to touch him or even look at him.

And since I got pregnant, it easy to avoid him because he doesn't even want to look at me. The bigger my stomach looks, the more he turns away as if he's disgusted at what he's done. He's probably realizing that he is a monster and he needs help.

I hate him.

I have never hated someone so much in my entire life.

I hate him for doing this to me.

And I hate myself for not being the type of person that can get an abortion.

I don't want Jake's kid.