Out of Town: A Spot Conlon Story

XXXVI

We are walking around the dark streets of Brooklyn hand in hand. Walking around after dark in Brooklyn isn't safe but being with Spot makes it feel like daylight. The walk is aimless and mostly small talk until we reach the boarder of Brooklyn and Queens.
"Zoom and Toes really adore ya. They think of ya as their mother, youse are so carin'" he says out of nowhere, he puts a piece of hair behind my ear, "you'll make a good mom".
This is the perfect time to tell him your infertile. It might crush him though, but he has to know. "I can't have kids. Steven did some messed up things back in Pittsburgh, the doctors say it causes me to be infertile" I blurt out. I could of sugarcoated it a little bit, of at least warned him. Spot stops in his tracks and pulls me into his embrace. His chin resting on top of my head for a minute. A teddy bear could never compete with Spot, when he is alone all he wants to do is cuddle. Now his arm is combing though my hair.
"That's okay, we have the boys. They can be our children" he whispers into my ear. Doesn't he think it is a little early to be talking about children.
It doesn't matter though because it isn't weird for me. I'm the one who wanted to talk about it. Is it weird for me to be having a baby discussion now? All of my other relationships moved much slower then this one, but Spot isn't one of my other relationships. He is Spot, an extremely charismatic doofus, but he is my doofus. We can move at whatever speed we want, society doesn't get a say.
"I'se don't need ta have kids to be with you. I want ta be with you ta be with you" Spot says in my ear, almost in a whimper.
"You are all I need. Spot you make me so happy, and safe. I can't imagine a life where I don't wake up with you everyday. And even if a could imagine it. It isn't a life worth living" I say looking up at him. His standard smirk is replaced by a warming smile.
Everything hits me at once. I love Spot Conlon. He makes me feel safe, wanted, protected, happy, he gives me butterflies when he is around. Only when he is not around do I feel trapped in a cycle or in place, I love Spot Conlon. I've always been told to wait to say I love you and to someone, but I don't have to. I love him, he makes my life so much better, he lights up my day. I don't want to be with anyone else but him for the rest of my life. Spot is what I want, I need to tell him. "I love you Spot" I look up at him.
His eyes stare at me, though me. I messed this up, he doesn't love me back. How could I be so stupid, I just let my emotions ruin everything! We will never be able to go back to where we were and it is all my fault. I need to walk away but my feet are almost frozen in place, I cannot move from this position. Spot is still staring at me but I cannot bring myself to make eye contact. I cannot get lost in his eyes when I know he doesn't want to be around me. He hates me, he wants nothing to do with me. After everything we have been though I just threw it out the window. Any chance that we had is gone. I feel silent tears fall down my face, I don't whimper out load but inside I am screaming. One after another silent tears fall down my face. One for the boys and how I won't be able to see them again. One for Edith on how I lost the closest thing to mother I had. One for Spot, the boy who I had but I had to ruin. They all make their way down my face, I don't need to wipe them away, sometimes you just have to let them fall. Spot let's go of my hand, and I just can't take it anymore. I push away the people I care about the most I miss his grasp already and I will never be able to feel it again. Never.
However, after he lets go of my hand I am pulled into the familiar embrace. His chin resting on my head, as always like nothing changed. His one hand around my waist pulling me into him, the other playing with my hair. My arms wrap around his neck and shoulders, as I get up on my toes. When we are together like this the world stands still, nothing can pull us apart except ourselves.
"I love you too" Spot says. I didn't ruin our relationship. I didn't ruin our relationship. I didn't ruin our relationship. I can't believe it. He loves me. Everything is in my head, he won't leave me. He won't leave me alone like I thought. We just keep holding each other in our embrace. I love him, I can't believe I love him. I cannot picture a life without him and I don't think I will have too. He is my forever, right now he is my everything. Of course I still have my goals, but what are my achievements without someone to share them with. Spot is my forever, and I cannot let him go.
"I knew you were the one since the first time we slept together. When I was sick, you cared for me, and not only that, you pushed me. Y/N, you are my everything. I love you" Spot speaks again. Everytime I hear his voice it becomes better and better. Maybe I am used to his accent now but I feel that right now is the closest we have ever been. No need to poke at everything right now, don't ruin this.
Spot is my forever and I am his everything, is the only thing for sure right now. And I'm happy with that.