Out of Town: A Spot Conlon Story

XLII

Spot and I were walking back to Brooklyn but the sun starts to go doen. We make it to the last building before the bridge and the sky is beginning to change colors. "Want to watch" I ask sitting down letting my feet dangle off the side of the building. He kind of just shrugs and sits down next to me. He wraps his arm around my waist and I rest my head on his shoulder. The silence allows room for thoughts, which is rarely a good thing. Am I ready to bring things to the next level with Spot. He isn't pressuring me to do anything, but I can tell he wants to. Spot and I have had some sexual moments, but a voice in my head just keeps saying I'm not ready. I have had relations with Steven but they were different then what we would do. I was not the only girl Steven would toy with, I was just another name under his belt. With Spot it would be different, I would be more open, and vulnerable, with him. It would mean something with Spot, and I am scared of that. Everything I am feeling with Spot is brand new. Sure I kissed people before Spot, but with Spot it feels different. I don't understand it. I love Spot, that is the difference, but somehow being completely vulnerable with him scares. Maybe it is the fear of him turning into Steven, or maybe I feel like I will lose him afterwards. I just don't know. I love him and at some point I will take things to the next level. But just not now.
"I smell smoke, what are ya thinking about" Spot says.
"Oh, just things"
"What kinda answer is that? You can tell me you don't want to talk about it" he gives a little chuckle at my answer.
"Later, we will talk about it later" I say. No, that is a bad idea, he needs to know my boundaries now, "Well actually, I was thinking about boundaries".
His face completely changes, something more solemn then before, "I'm not being overbearing, am I?".
This completely catches me off guard. Of course he isn't overbearing, "no, not that. It is just I'm not ready to you know..." I trail off. This topic is taboo, I've never really talked about it before. How to say it?
"I don't know actually" Spot is chuckling but it just makes me more uneasy. I can't be mad at him he doesn't know what I am trying to get across.
"Sex, I'm not ready to have sex. Like not I'm a wait til marriage kinda way. But in a I'm new to the whole love thing and I want to take it slow" I speak about a million words a minute. However Spot seemed to have understood the gist of it.
"I won't do anything you are not ready to do. I've told you that. Now lets watch the sun go down" he says, quickly ending the conversation. I just spilled out my heart to him and that is all I get. I deserve more than an 'I know'. This is a conversation we need to have.
"That's it" I say not even trying to hide the annoyance in my voice. Spot seems to be caught off guard by my change in demeanor.
"Woah, slow down. What else is there to talk about" he says trying to calm the situation.
I don't know what is overcoming me but for some reason everything he is saying is wrong.
"What else is there to talk about? You didn't even give me your opinion on it" I raise my voice slightly.
"I told you that I will wait until your ready. I don't know what you want!" Spot also raises his voice, esculating the whole situation.
"Just tell me where you are, are you ready to have sex! That is all I want to know" I say lowering my voice again but keeping my tone.
However Spot maintains his volume, "It doesn't matter my opinion if you aren't ready, then it doesn't matter if I am or not".
"You are part of this relationship too, your opinion does matter. Now what is it?" I say desperately trying to calm the situation I started.
"You drive me crazy (y/n). Everytime I look at you and talk to you, my mind wonders to me pinning you down and... It doesn't matter the point is I'm not going to do anything until your ready" Spots volume drops as he continues to talk. The end part is almost a whisper.
"I'm sorry"
"Don't be"
"No I started an argument that didn't need to happen".
"But I yelled at you".
"I yelled first".
"So, it takes two people to argue".
"I guess you're right. But I am still sorry".
"I'm sorry too"
"Do I really drive you crazy?"
"Is that even a question? Of course you do, ever since I saw you I've let my mind wonder" this causes me to chuckle causing him to chuckle. Neither of us have talked about this before and the unfamiliarity of the topic is laughable. So we did just that, laugh.
"We should head back to the lodge" Spot says after our giggle fest.
"Can we just sit here and talk about something lighter for a little bit" I flash him my puppy dog eyes.
Spot sighs, "can't we do that back at the lodge".
"But here no one can interup us" I say.
"Good point, but we do need to get back to the boys at some point" Spot says sitting back down.
We resume our position with my head on his shoulder looking out at the darkened Brooklyn skyline. The stars are sprinkled around making this look like a scene out of a novel.
"I love you"
I go to kiss his cheek but he turns his head causing our lips to crash together. He always has something up his sleeves doesn't he. I eventually pull away getting lost in his eyes for a brief moment.
"I love you more"