1 year ago, When I wasn't me.
"what the hell Lia?! You're a whore, and not just a whore. You're the whore of the school, we're over."
With a click of a button there went my reputation, girlfriend and my pride. My pride, my pride, my pride ; there is a burning in my pride. A boy had told the girl I have been dating for what, two weeks? Karina. Her hair, her eyes, her voice,her attitude, everything. She was no Angel, she was the devil in the flesh. She grabbed me with rope and tied me up so she could have me all to herself, I didn't like it. She wrapped it around my throat, something went wrong, she tightened it, if I did something right, she kissed my cheek and tightened it a slight bit more. She grabbed my hands and wrapped them up in a bracelet type thing with acid on it and it burned my skin. She put gloves on and dipped her hands in acid and forced me to hold hers, I saw the bone in my hands at the end of the day. The boy. The boy. The boy. The boy told her I was the whore of the school, I guess it was true. Depends on your perspective and my spell on you. There was three categories, lust ,love and hate. You either were in love with me, lusted over me or hated me maybe because I had broken your heart. It was nothing new. For someone to tell someone else they had feelings for me or for someone to say that I had just rejected them. I can make you cry by one word or one glance. Just like I can make you fall at my feet for a kiss.
I controlled everyone with my poison-ness charm.
Karina had called me a whore and left me. I was different when I was with her, maybe not entirely but I was getting there. That was till she killed me. I walked out my house with the wind piercing through my ears with whispers. They knew my secrets. Oh god. No No No No. One said I was a slut. Maybe I am.. With all this going through my mind, I walked over to this guy's house ; Tristan. He was the only guy who would let me smoke regardless of my asthma. It was maybe midnight by the time I got there, I called him on the phone and told him to let me in through the back. Of course ,he did, without hesitation, he came outside with booze and a couple of blunts. Then i saw it, coke. My eyes lit up with interest. I needed to forget everything. Drink after drink after drink then came the blunt, a couple of laughs, fifteen drinks and four blunts each and he started getting touchy. I wanted to snort the coke he had so i didn't object (yet). Ten drinks later, I ask for some. He ,of course, grants me my wish.
One line. Ouch. Second line. It tingles. Third line. I think I like it. Four- the fuck? I ran out. He had no more and i flipped. I pounded his chest begging for more. More more more. He kept saying no so I melted inside his arms and sobbed. God, what is this? My nose is running, my eyes are bulged, my breath shaky, I can't breathe. Air ,where's air? How do i breathe? Where's Karina? What is this wet stuff...? Fuck, am I crying? I am. My thoughts were interrupted with lips upon my neck. What's happening? I look up to see Tristan with a drunk smile and lustful eyes, he bent back down to my neck and started sucking on my weak spot. Hands going up my inner thighs, he got a sweet moan from me which encouraged him. But i said no. "stop." He tightened his grip on my thigh every time I said no. Pounding his chest and trying to push him off, it was like hitting cement. My hands started to throb so I stopped and squirmed instead. He then picked me up and held me tightly to the point where I felt paralyzed. I tried to yell but he covered my mouth with his hands. He put me in the car that was outside his house. I felt a sharp pain in my back when I backed up to the side of the car when he got inside. My breath got sharp and I swore it was impossible to breathe..
"Baby. Come touch me" He said with his voice so deep you'd think his voice went deeper than any ocean out there. I looked at him with disgust then I started crying. Baby? I was Karina's baby.... When I remembered this ,I closed my eyes and when I reopened them, he was closer. He pulled me closer and I tried to get out of his grasp again but I couldn't. Whore flew through my mind again. He grabbed my hand and put it on his crutch so I could feel him. I moved away and slapped him, I made him angry. He looked at me with crazy eyes, you'd think he was a maniac. He grabbed me tighter and got on top of me, rocking the car. It felt like we were on a boat. I yelled no again and he clashed his lips on mine. I bit his lip hard and he screeched. Taken back, he got rougher, there went I went.. I floated off my cloud and fell face first to the ground,
He would not take no for an answer.
---
Today, December 4th.
I screamed at the top of my lungs ,well I thought I had. Regardless of how wide my mouth was or how hard I tried, no sound came out. I get caught and I feel a heavy pain on my chest, I feel like I am stuck in an ocean, drowning. From every word that you had ever said to me is now what is in my throat, keeping it impossible for me to inhale and exhale. I miss you and I miss breathing your air. You make me wish I could swim away to a far away land where I can find who you once were and I would make you fall back in love with me. Oh god, I would never let you slip through my fingers again. I would show you that I could be everything you would ever need and anything you could ever possibly want. My mind races and I lose sense of time and thought. Fuck, where are you? I hear your voice but when I turn around you are no where to be found and oh god, how badly I wish you were. I feel you touch. Your hand is at my lower back right now, moving in circular rotation, you did this when I was stressed. Shit. Then your other hand is in my hair, you knew I loved it when you did that to me. I lay down so your hands are no longer there but then I start to miss it. I miss you. "I miss you. Baby, come home." Right after I whisper that out loud, I feel a tingly sensation on my neck and something soft. It's your lips. I touch my neck and I get up after to look in the mirror, it was when you first gave me a love mark. Same place. It's there again.
I close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep in search of you and my long lost haven.
