December 15, 2014.
I have already said my farewell but here is my official goodbye. I never gave you a name, I just wrote to you about irrelevant things that has happened or such this winter so I decided to name you, Winter. I apologize for not being able to come up with an extrodinary name for you ,a name that would have a ring to it. I've never been creative. Im not entirely sure on what to say or well, write. Things have crashed down into dust now. Dust that I can snort, the drugs are walking in that now I don't even turn to alcohol, I don't even turn to sex. God, how I miss being touched.
I haven't seen Alaska in a while. I feel like I lost her. Sucks to suck... but I did see one thing.
But last night I saw the world crash before my eyes. I saw the moon burst into dust. I saw my family fade away along with my future, as if they had never existed. I saw him with you. He caressed your face so gently ,cupped your face with his hand and as he leaned in ; he took his time. As if he had all of infinity. As if he knew I was watching. After what felt like a thousand years, he finally leaned in all the way and put his lips upon yours. He tugged your hair, you liked it. Kissing you slowly, he moved his hands from your face to the hemming of your shirt to your breast. As he caresses 'em, I sit in disgust because he keeps going. Touching your body, pressing himself inside of you and you're allowing him to do so. You were supposed to be mine. I sit crying, watching my lover allow another to love upon her. She allows him to do all I wish I could but due to distance I cannot love her body but only her soul. I thought that was enough for you in the time being, I was wrong.After I leave, I go over exactly what I saw in my head over and over again. The way y'all two kissed, touched - did all I couldn't and the saddest part of this is that in the end ,I still am in love with you. I always will be even with him marking you as his and you moaning his name. God, you never stopped. You said you wanted to moan mine. I may not have what he does in the area you've felt but I could make your bed rock just the same, if not more. Holy shit, you would feel beautiful with me, I would never hurt you. I would go at your pace, your rate, your intensity, your everything because princess, you're everything to me. Although , you've broken the sides of my ribs that has gone up and stabbed my organs. He continues to press himself so deep inside you , fuck. All I see is red as I jump off this bridge. Because you killed me as you spoke those words. And you never really seemed to care. The only time you showed affection to me Was all of the times my skin was bare. You pulled me into your dangerous tides And left me sinking far out to the sea. Last night I saw you with another guy And I know you’re kissing him; I wish it was me. Maybe things weren’t meant to work out But they certainly weren’t meant to end this way. I remember all of the times we spent together. We used to kiss the darkness away. I know change is always so fucking hard and neither of us are the same anymore Even though I say I hate you and I can’t stand your face. I could never run away out the door. You’re so goddamn fucking beautiful from every single perspective You used to hold me in your arms But now I don’t want to live. You always used to kiss me in all the right places. You said you loved my skin, my skin, my skin. I believed all of your manipulative words. I can’t believe I fucking let you in. I miss the feel of your soft, rosy lips. I miss the salty tears that ran down your cheeks. I miss the way you made me feel invincible. But I do not miss the way you made me weak. I’m worried about my own wellbeing. I really want to slice my skin. But baby you said it was beautiful. i don’t want to ruin a single beautiful thing Maybe that’s why I never wanted to ruin you. The reason why I always took your shit. I knew that if I retaliated you would leave. And I would miss you more than a little bit but as I look back from above I realized "Alaska never loved me."
So.
This isn't just goodbye, Winter but goodbye, Alaska. I'll fuck the sadness out of you the next time I see you so the day after I will be able to jump with the sound of you screaming my name in more than one way.
