January 6th, 2015.
im not keeping up with this the way i have before but lately, i cant think of anything to write. i can barely find words to say. it happens in my mind, the words and everything but when i try to speak, the only thing that comes out is me looking like a fool. lately, i havent been able to remember much. break has just ended and i can only recall five days out of the two weeks. someone asked me what my name was the other day and i couldnt think of it. it took me over five minutes to spit it out "L-Liam..."
it came out pathetic. it came out shy. it came out small. it came out sad. i sounded so sad and the fact that that is so, saddens me even more. lately, my soul has become even darker and colder than the weather outside. i am a walking bomb. a living and breathing deathly angel. i was always referred to as an angel by my mother and by past lovers but oh god, i apologize to all who's ever fallen for me. someone i screwed over in the past, something i regret, she made up a little disease for those who have ever dated or fell in love with me. M a n o t e r. it makes me feel like a terrible person. Im sweet but im bitter. im gentle but the razors attached to my fingers will tell you differently. and lately my voice hasnt been as sweet sounding either. ive been harsh, ive been distant, ive been reckless. the other day, a girl came up to me and complimented me, asking me for my number but i was high and i rejected her in the worst of ways. a man came up to me and asked for a napkin, i cussed him out, telling him he was a lazy fuck. i didn't mean to blurt that out, just a moment before i had downed over half a bottle of vodka.
im getting bad again, worse than before. im drowning in my own misery and i swear that i have asked for help. i promise you that i have tried but lately, im way too tired to even do that anymore. i fell down crying this morning because i couldnt even get my pants on. Carol and Alaska have told me that they wont give up on me. i can see little glares of lights in their eyes, hope. but i know both of them far too well. they dont believe in hope. there's only luck and that's something that i lack oh-so-very-much. i also met someone. her name is Kerina. she's different and she's sweet. ive only known her for two days, not too long. i dont know her that well but i feel like im being drawn to her and in what way? im not sure. she calls me a dweeb. she doesnt know how sad i am, i dont necessarily plan for her to find out but i know that if shes observant, she probably already knows that im more than depressed. with her, i honestly believe that i have found a long time friend and that brightens my spirit but the darkness that is consuming all of what/who i am is undeniable. i cant ignore it. Alaska is striving to get better while im not. i need to drop the pills, flush them all. i can find another way to get skinny. a healthier way. i need to empty the bottles but not by pouring them down my throat. i need to put out the cigarrettes and not by putting it on my skin to burn myself but actually getting rid of them.
everyone has this hope inside of them yet ive lost all of mine. when did i become a stranger?
