Missing Pieces of Me

17 You Don't Know Your Pain

Blanche

I just found him but now he's gone again. I watch as his body- vessel- fell continuously and I decide to follow him. I know he wouldn't be able to die here, right? I jumped, despite my instincts protesting, and tried my best to create a soft landing spot for both of us.

All of the scenery flashed away and a giant pillow has taken its place. Both of our bodies crashed. I feel the shock in my body, forcing me to freeze as it assesses my condition and processing the fact that I have jumped from what seemed to be a thousand feet straight down. It still felt real and yet here I am, alright. Once I gathered all my composure, I stood up, which was difficult since it was literally standing on a pillow.

I searched for a sign of where another body may have landed and I saw a kind of crease by the other corner. I ran as fast as my feet could carry and reached his side. He is lying face down and nonresponsive to my calls, maybe he's still mad at me and just ignoring my words.

I turn him around and see his smile, his face, without a single scratch but his eyes say a different thing. It was looking straight into my soul. The only problem is that there is no soul present in this one to really look.

He looked, well, dead. Did he die in real life? Is this how people die when they're asleep? I thought people don't die here.

This vessel then tilted his head, the way Alex usually does, and tried to hug me, the way Alex usually gives me comfort but I flinched. It feels different now. It feels like it was programmed to do it, which, technically, is true. In the end, I did succumb to the comfort his presence held and just closed my eyes and pretended that everything is fine. I can worry when I'm awake.

Oh I really did try my best to wake up now but I can't. I'm forced to wait until my body actually does since I didn't even set an alarm. This was only an accident; I was just reading a book a while ago.

I didn't even plan to make this. The thought that I had killed him hurts so much but all I really want to do is wake up. I just want to make sure he's alright, even though he might remember what happened and stays mad at me. I wish UP was here. UP knew everything about this place and would have answers about my doubts.

Piece by piece, I lost my will to create things here and each piece I stop making just turns into what it really is, just a speck of my imagination, destined to turn into nothing. I stopped trying completely until all that is left is the abyss I have started with and me.

I can't help but think, 'Is this what Alex always started with?' Just nothing to keep you company. In a way, it really is a good neutral place where you wouldn't feel attached to anything but it is cold and cruel and maddening.

SATURDAY NOON

After what seemed like eternity, I see my image fading and I figure that maybe this is me waking up. Finally. I squint as soon as I open my eyes. I forgot that I left my lights open. I notice that I'm still holding the book I was reading.

I flip for the page where I last read when I remembered why I wanted to wake up in the first place. I rubbed my eyes and sat on my bed. I check my phone for the time. The numbers flashed; five o'clock it said. I haven't even slept that long yet but it felt like an eternity.

I remain seated on my bed, hugging my pillow as I recall all the hurtful things Alex had said. I hate Alex right now. I hate his words and the way it made me doubt everything I did. It was unfair of him. I didn't even know what happens once I wake up. How can he blame it all on me? Was it not even his decision to come to the dream when I called?

I didn't even want him, the real him to go there in the first place. Well, that may be a little bit untrue. I did make a duplicate of him, and kinda wished he was there but I didn't think he would really show up.

I feel my pillow get soaked up; I didn't even realize that tears where falling from my eyes. I rub it all away and try my best to calm myself. 'I'm not weak. I don't cry for dreams. Won't cry for words,' I silently chant to myself.

After a while, I manage to stop crying and just sat there, staring at the wall with numbers. I figure that I shouldn't even be mad at Alex now since he isn't aware of what he said. It was just a dream. I wonder how he'll feel right now? Will he feel angry at me still or just nothing? He wouldn't even know that that happened.

I stood up, still lost in my thoughts, and walked up to the wall and grabbed the pen I always use to add new numbers. I'm at the part where the numbers already take up half of the size of the wall. I can just get lost doing this because it just provides that therapeutic effect where I can concentrate all my focus so I just stayed there. I stayed lost in all the numbers, away from the dreams and reality.

I was in the middle of writing a number when I heard a light tap on my door; must be Alex. What does he want? I try to keep my blood from boiling, remembering the fact that this one isn't the one in the dream.

"Yup? Come in." I feel my voice sound a bit cold but I can't help it.

"I was wondering if you'd want to go have a drink with a few friends. Seems like we both need it," Alex stated. "Besides, we don't have classes today and the day seemed a bit gloomy," he followed with a grin. Looks like his unconsciousness had little effect on his mood today.

"Bruce wanted to have a night out and you can bring friends too," he said, kinda bit apologetic since he knows I don't like the company of many people. What he doesn't know is that it's what I would really want now.

"Really? Bruce? You're classmate? Never knew you were close. Anyway, sure I'll ask Carrie." I say, a hint of excitement in my voice at the thought of other people being there so I wouldn't be focused much on my personal issues today.

"Okaay," he said, unsure whether I was sarcastic or not but decided that it was genuine. "We're gonna meet up at the bar across the street later at seven and to answer your question, yes I have a few friends I hang out with and one of them happens to be Bruce," he said as he walked away and went back to his room.

I try to push away thoughts of anxiety about my first night out. I haven't had a chance to leave for drinks since alcohol was readily available at home and I never needed to leave. Besides, I wouldn't want to risk going home alone and drunk and I'm too lazy to make a fake ID.

This still seems like an important milestone since I've just been granted the freedom and I can finally drink in public. At least I'm still not alone now, Alex, no matter how indifferent I am with him, has my complete trust. I promise myself I wouldn't get too drunk. It's a piece of cake since my tolerance is very high. I'll stop when I'm at my limit.

I grab my phone and sent a message to Carrie:

Me: Hey! Night out with Alex and co. Wanna join?

C: Sure. Who am I to say no to drinking? What time?

Me: Seven. At the bar near our apartment. You know the one.

After the text, I yelled loud enough so Alex can hear me from his room but not loud enough for the neighbors to hear, "My friend will be joining us!"

I took a shower and looked into my closet to find an outfit for my first ever visit to a bar. I apply a bit of BB cream and face powder and a little bit of liptint since I don't own lipstick. I decide on wearing a pair of skinny jeans with a fit, dark red, and long sleeved blouse. I figure that it may be appropriate and casual and since it was a bit chilly outside.

I matched it with my comfortable yet stylish boots. I wore my hair down, like I always do when I'm outside. I check myself in the mirror for any loose ends and when I got satisfied, I took my phone and wallet and put it in a small silvery bag and head out the door, making sure that all electronics are unplugged.

A/N Hi again. Just wanted to share that this story is approaching its end. Thanks for reading the story. If you like the story please vote and comment. I want to hear from you guys.