See The Good

NINE

Conor's POV

I grab a bottle of vodka from the kitchen and a blanket from the sofa before heading back out to the balcony. Mia really fucking hurt me, but its proving difficult to stay pissed off. She doesn't know me, she hasn't given me a chance. She hasn't got to know me. Yes I act arrogant sometimes, but anyone who knows me knows it ISN'T me. Its a bravado, a safety blanket. Something to stops my anxiety eating away at me and destroying every social encounter I have. I am not the person she thinks I am, I am the complete opposite.

I slip back outside, shutting the door quietly behind me so as not to wake Joe and Jack who have passed out in the living room. Chucking the blanket into Mia's lap, I slide back down the wall to the ground beside her, handing her the bottle of vodka before I close my eyes and slip back into my own world.

Thoughts fly through my mind, flashbacks of the worst times. Me on stage fighting through a panic attack, me sat on the floor of a toilet cubical in a nightclub trying to fight back tears. Days locked in my apartment in LA, too scared and drained to face anybody. I thought I had got passed all of that, I thought I was better. But all today has taught me is that I am not any better, I am still a fucking mess.

'You okay?' Mia whispers as I hear the vodka bottle get placed on the floor between us.

'Yes.'

'Are you sure?'

'Yes.'

'I really am sorry.'

'Okay.'

I know I should stop being so blunt, only pushing her further away but I can't help myself. I am upset and angry and everything in between. Any chance of a friendship with Mia disappearing.

I slip back into my own head, visions of all of the people I have pushed away. Friends and family. Girlfriends. Every girl I have ever got close enough to to get hurt, I pushed away. Victoria, the love of my life who I pushed and pushed till she left. I would never find anyone like her again, who understood the grind of my job but still loved me regardless. Destined to be alone.

I open my eyes again to see Mia lighting a cigarette and dropping the packet in my lap. A habit I really should give up, but a vice that helps to get me through. The pull on my lungs reminding me that I am still alive, no matter how dead I feel.

I take a cigarette from the packet and light it, dropping the packet back into Mia's lap. I take a deep drag on the cigarette, revelling in the burn as I hold the smoke in for as long as I can, before slowly exhaling.

'We should probably go home' Mia whispered from beside me, making to move and stand. She help her hand out to me but I ignored it, pulling myself up instead.

'You are probably right.'