you and i ✧ kseungmin ✓

십구

was it?
was what I said true?
to be honest i'm not sure.
i said it out of the blue.

whether it be true or not,
i can't take back what i said.
i can't take back what i did,
but i still can't get it out of my head.

how does one decide?
when you sit confused
not knowing what to choose.
how does one know what words to use?

i messed up.
i know i did.
i wasn't true to myself.
i confused myself.
i lied to myself and to him.

looked for a false hope,
convinced myself it was true.

it was not.
when my chance came i lied.
i ruined it.
lost what may have been,
perfect.

what do i know?
i'm only nineteen.
i should've asked for advice.
talked to someone.

it happened so suddenly,
i panicked.
i couldn't help it,
and i panicked.

my exterior was calm,
unbothered,
held together.

when in reality,
the glue that once held me
had melted away.

the moment he asked me for privacy,
my glue melted away.
like it was never there to begin with.
as if hot water was flowing through me.
flowing through my cracks,
through my mind.

i couldn't think straight.
the first response i thought of,
was the first thing i spoke.

blinded by the past.
avoiding everything.
acting so selfishly,
i probably made him feel
what i felt.

the pain i felt.
the rejection i felt.

except,
this was actual
rejection.

i'm such a child.
i'll be twenty next year,
and that scares me.
how can i be an adult,
when i do such immature things.

i don't wanna.
i don't wanna grow up.
not like this.
not with this childish mentality.

i don't wanna grow up being selfish.
hurting people for my own selfishness.

it's not right.
there's no way it is.

i just wanna go back
to before all of this.
to before i rejected him.
to before i got hurt.
to before i fell for him.

please.
take me.
take me back.
to before all of this.

______

wash your hands often🤲🧼