The Underground - 3RACHA

37

Chan didn't want to give up but trying to build up Jisung's confidence was a lot harder than he expected. He'd tried everything he could think of, breathing exercises, praising him every time he successfully did something and giving him more affirmations than he could count in a day, but he knew he couldn't help him on his own anymore, not if he wanted him to get better. Helping Changbin had been easy because his problem wasn't anxiety, which is what Chan suspected Jisung was dealing with. After a few weeks of Chan working with Changbin, he was back to his old self and performing like usual, but Jisung hadn't moved from square one.

"You had the confidence to get on the stage once, didn't you?" Chan asked him one evening when he and Jisung were sat on the sofa, watching a movie. It wasn't Chan's taste but Jisung liked it so he didn't mind putting up with it, especially when Jisung lay his head in his lap and let Chan play with his hair. Changbin wasn't with them because he'd left for the evening to attend his first shift at a job he'd found. It was at a factory not too far away and even though it was a job he didn't want to do, he promised himself to try his best because he didn't want to be a freeloader for the other two.

"Yeah, once," Jisung nodded, "but I don't know how. I don't even think I could get close to that anymore."

"Why?" Chan inquired, making Jisung look up at him.

"I think I'm broken."

Chan furrowed his brow, "you're not broken, you just need some help to get you where you want to be."

"And that's what you're doing; helping me," Jisung smiled but Chan didn't smile back, instead he shook his head.

"I don't think I am, baby. I'm not a professional, I don't know what I'm doing half the time I just hope it works and doesn't make things worse," when he looked down at Jisung, Chan could see his confused expressions so he continued, "I'm not giving up on you, don't worry, I'd never do that, but I think you need help from someone better at giving it than me, a doctor or a therapist."

"But...if I go to a therapist then I am broken," Jisung mumbled and Chan could see his eyes starting to glisten from the possibility.

"No, baby, come here," Chan said and lifted Jisung into his arms, cradling him against his chest as Jisung hid his face against his neck. "Going to see a therapist doesn't make you broken, it means you are going to get the help you need. I know how badly you want to be able to perform on stage like Binnie and I. I want to help you get there, but I can't do it alone anymore. A therapist can help you with that and also help you in other situations that make you anxious. I promise it doesn't mean you're broken."

"Does it make me crazy?" He asked, pulling away from Chan to look him in the eyes.

"No, of course you're not crazy," Chan said, cupping Jisung's cheek in one hand and pressing a kiss to his forehead, "you're far from crazy, ok? You're perfect, you just need a little bit of help."

"I guess...I guess I can go and see a therapist then," he nodded.

"Good boy," Chan smiled, pressing a kiss to Jisung's forehead.

-

After going to see a GP, it didn't take long for Jisung to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Almost a month later he got his first appointment with a therapist. He was sat beside Changbin in the hospital waiting room, waiting to be called into Dr Song's office. Chan had wanted to go with them but he couldn't get the day off work.

Both of Jisung's hands were gripped around one of Changbin's and his foot was rapidly tapping against the floor. The lady across from him was giving him a judgemental look every time she looked up from her newspaper but Changbin was quick to send her a glare back. As the minutes passed, Jisung's foot-tapping started to get more intense and the grip he had on Changbin's hand was almost enough to hurt him. "Jisung, breathe," Changbin whispered in his ear, pulling his hand from Jisung's grasp to cup his cheek, "everything is going to be ok. Dr Song is a professional and he knows how to help you, ok?"

"What if he doesn't like me or what if I'm so broken he doesn't know how to help me?"

"Hey," Changbin said, "you're not broken."

A nurse walked into the waiting room and called out a name which made Jisung freeze. He soon realised it was the lady in front of him being called and not him. There weren't many other people in the waiting room and he calmed down until he saw the look the lady was giving them as she passed. He moved his face away from Changin's hold and the latter frowned, looking back at the lady who was now leaving the room. "Did she glare at you again?" He asked.

"Both of us," Jisung mumbled, "it's ok, it's expected."

"That doesn't make it ok," Changbin said, looking back at Jisung who was back to tapping his foot against the wooden floor. They were on the second floor and he hated to think what the people below them thought. "Don't worry, baby. Everything's going to be ok."

"Han Jisung?" Another nurse asked as she walked into the room. Jisung let out a small squeak of surprise, a bundle of nerves exploding within him. Changbin smiled and subtly pressed a kiss to the back of his hand.

"It's going to be fine."

Jisung took in a deep breath, nodding as he stood up, "it's going to be fine," he mumbled, repeating the words to himself until he reached the nurse who had a bright, welcoming smile.

"Are you Han Jisung?" She asked.

"Y-yes," Jisung stuttered, cursing himself inside his head for being so nervous. He could feel his palms starting to sweat and had to ball his hands into fists at his side.

"Right this way, sir," she said, leading Jisung down the brightly lit halls. She could sense Jisung's nervousness, or maybe she knew he was seeing a therapist for anxiety, but either way, she tried to calm him. "You don't need to worry. Dr Song is an amazing therapist and a lovely man, he'll be able to help you better than most therapists," she said when they reached a door that led into his office, "when you're ready," she ushered to the door but didn't rush him.

When he was calm enough, Jisung pushed open the door.

Changbin waited for Jisung the whole forty-five minutes he was in Dr Song's office. He hoped Jisung would be ok, but most importantly, he hoped Dr Song would be able to help Jisung. Both he and Chan wanted Jisung to be able to rap confidently in front of them and others and they wanted him to feel comfortable in social situations, such as when one of them took him on a date or they went out together, but for now Jisung couldn't do that. After moving in together, Chan and Changbin realised that Jisung didn't leave the house unless he needed to work or he was going to The Underground. If he had to go anywhere else, he'd start panicking.

When Changbin saw Jisung leaving Dr Song's office without any tears in his eyes or shaking hands, he felt a wave of relief wash over him. He hadn't realised he's been so worried for the younger boy but now it was obvious. He jumped up from his seat and ran over to Jisung, wrapping his arms around him in a hug and making Jisung squeak in surprise. After realising who it was, Jisung giggled and hugged him back.

"How was it, squirrel? Did everything go ok?" Changbin questioned, pulling apart from the embrace to search Jisung's face for any signs of distress or worry, but all he saw was a beaming smile.

"It was ok, Binnie. You don't need to worry," Jisung told him, chuckling at the nickname, "Dr Song was nice and this session was just so he could get to know some stuff about me. Next session he said we're going to start properly."

"So he was nice to you and helpful?"

Jisung chuckled, "I always thought Chan was the most protective one but now I think it might be you."

A small smile pulled at Changbin's lips as he looked down at the floor with a shrug, "I just don't want anyone to upset my baby."

"Don't worry," Jisung said, stepping forward to fall into Changbin's embrace again, "your baby's ok."