The Messed Up Mind Of Me

three: memories of a broken heart

I remember-

painfully.

How I was changed.

Changed for the better or worse.

Who knows.

But I remember how you held me.

I never felt a thing.

I lived a lie and broke myself.

Only to realize that I hadn't thought straight in too long.

I almost lost my friends.

They said that I abandoned them.

That was a cut that went deep.

I lost myself.

Became alone.

I became my own enemy.

You told me I was beautiful.

Was it truth?

Because I never feel beautiful, even when I'm told I am.

My heart is broken, but not for you-

for me.

My soul is cold and lost.

My mind is running and racing.

I forgot what you looked like.

I can't say I miss you.

I can't say I'm sorry.

I can say that you now annoy the hell out of me.

I can say that I don't care where you are.

I can say that you were the worst thing that happened to me.

But I also have to thank you.

I am now stronger.

I am more aware of myself.

I am more mature and I am not afraid of the things that used to scare me.

I have scars, both physical and emotional.

But they weren't from you.

I have hurt my own mind by my thoughts.

I injured myself when I was younger.

I have only brought my hurt upon myself.

Even though I try to blame you.

I should've listened when they told me you were stupid.

I should've listened when they said that you were unkind.

I should've listened when they said that you were not the one for me.

Because- for once- the rumors were right.

I didn't listen, and I should've.

I blocked out the hate for you.

I gave you second chances that you threw back in my face.

So I can't say I'm sorry.

Because I'm not.

I won't say I'm sorry.

Because you don't deserve me.

And even with the memories that make my broken heart.

I will not cry for you.

I will walk away a better person.

I live on my own.

Where I don't need to be responsible for you or anyone else.

Even with my messed up mind and broken heart.

I have let myself forget who you were.

I hope that you have changed, for the next girl.

Now I will live because life goes on and I am independent.