The Messed Up Mind Of Me

sixteen : because you didn't notice

You always said I could tell you anything and you'd still love me.

You've always bragged about my grades and told me I was amazing.

You've always joked with me that I would think I was always right and that I would argue even when I was wrong.

I know I'm stubborn.

You've taught me that I can supposedly do anything.

You've always done what you thought was best for me.

You've always fed me, tucked me in, read to me, and loved me.

Amd I've always loved you and cried at the thought of losing you.

But I don't feel I know you.

And I know you don't know me.

You're occupied by work and health and stress.

I know you try your hardest and I've been grateful for that.

I know that no one's perfect, and neither am I.

But sometimes I think you lose sight of that.

I'm not invincible.

I'm not perfect, and I can't avoid everything that's thrown at me.

Depression isn't something that is easy to explain.

All I know is that it happened to me.

It broke me down and tore me up, yet I just kept on smiling.

You didn't notice, or say anything.

Amd now things are out of hand.

You've always seem through my lies.

You say my forehead flashes when I lie.

Yet you haven't seen through this lie.

It's one of those things that you try to forget about and hope it goes away.

But it doesn't, it fixes itself into a spot in your head and makes itself comfortable.

During the day I'm fairly fine.

I can even enjoy it sometimes.

But when I close my door and turn off the lights, it gets dark.

My thoughts spiral.

"I'm not good enough..."
"...why am I here..."
".....what did I do wrong...."
"...who am I...."
"...am I worth anything at all.."
"If anyone cared they'd see my hurt..."
".... it's all my fault..."
"What's wrong with me.."
"... Just keep smiling..."
"....if no one notices, then no one cares... therefore I'm better off dead..."
"...would anyone even notice if I was gone.."
"... they'd all hate me if they knew the real me.."
"...I deserve to be hurt this way..."

I knew you had enough on your plates.

So I stayed quiet and kept on going.