The Messed Up Mind Of Me

nineteen : the darkness is coming

The darkness if closing in.

The air is being sucked from my lungs.

The color is gone, the light will go next.

Whispers echoing....

You're nothing...

You're worthless...

You.

Don't.

Deserve anything -

but what you're getting.

Mind running.

Heart breaking.

Eyes watering.

Lungs heaving.

Body shaking.

Mouth silent.

Silent except for the lies that escape it.

You'd run if you knew me.

You'd cry if you saw my thoughts of myself.

You tell me I'm crazy for what I wish.

And-

you should run.

You should cry.

And I am insane.

I used to not be like this.

If you had told me a few months ago that this would be me I would laugh in your face-

This isn't funny anymore.

Not laughable.

I am.

A.

Hypocrite.

Failure.

Ugly.

Fat.

Lost.

Worthless.

Nothing.

Broken.

That's me.

Depressed.

Liar.

Faker.

Crazy.

Afraid.

I never thought I'd get here.

But now that I'm here...

I don't know if I'll ever get back to the way I was.

And it's scary because I don't think I care anymore.

Thanks part of my brain that stopped me from hurting myself is broken.

The part of me that tells me to calm down needs to be fixed.

I have over 50 stitches from one freak accident seven years ago.

Yet those aren't the most significant scars.

I used to never cry.

Lately I break down in silent tears so no one hears.

And hold myself until my fears have lessened.

I try to find God, but it's hard when your mind is full of other things, and you feel so unworthy and unfit for God.

I just want it all to stop.

I want it all to stop before I snap.

Before I can't take it.

I don't know how much longer I can take it.

My demons run after me and I can only fun for so long...

Then they catch me and take me to hell.

I am not afraid to die, but I do not want to go to hell.

But even hell must be better..... wouldn't it?

I am on mute.

I can't say a word.

I write.

I cry.

But I cannot express my agony.

I wish someone would just hit me till I fall.

So that I won't have to do it myself.

The darkness doesn't seem so bad.

My friends tell me that they are trying to reach me before it's too late.

But if they can't see that they're the only fucking reason I'm still trying to hold on,

they don't know that they have been right beside me, in my heart through it all.

They never ran.

They always cared.

And I am so ungrateful, but they're still here.

I'm still here.

But I don't think that they can keep my head above water much longer.

Eventually I will fail.

And drown.

Because the darkness is coming.

-sierra