Poems

Alcohol

WARNING: This contains really sensitive topics such as alcoholism and suicidal thoughts and actions. I don't want to trigger someone who might have the wrong idea. Suicide should never be an answer, don't ever think of it as one. There are plenty of people willing to help.

It's an addictive thing for many good reasons. It gives the feeling of freedom and not feeling anything. Yeah it's dangerous but that doesn't exactly stop us does it? It helps during a lot of situations, not only bad ones. When we're celebrating an important day, you fucking party and drink. When you feel like shit after getting dumped, you fucking down that bottle of tequila without regret. When the one you love doesn't love you like you love them, you become a fucking alcoholic.

Such feelings should be illegal in my opinion, but what do I know right? I'm only a teen, I don't pay taxes so I don't know anything. I do know what alcohol is though. A magical substance that can take my pain away in just a few sips. It can take so much more in those few sips. How fucked up is that?

---

A party seemed to be the only scenario where I could drink without suspicion. I was wasted beyond hell. I slurring my words and I couldn't see straight. The walls closed and opened, my brain cool, and my heart on fire.

"Hey man, I'm heading home," I told my friend. "You have a ride?" I shrugged, "I'll just walk man, it's not far anyways." He nodded, waving me off. I took a bottle with me just in case. I'm 23 and I still can't seem to get my shit straight, damn. I took a sip of the bottle trying to keep my thoughts away. I need to get her off my mind.

People look at me strangely as I walk down the sidewalk, making a path for me as they avoid me. I look up and stare at the endless sky. Such a beautiful night, it's perfect for me. I continue walking, only to pause again. I stare at the bottle and I feel like a coward for letting it come to this. I throw it across the road in anger. My chest rising and falling quickly as tears blur my vision. She hated the sight of me crying. I wipe the tears away, not letting a single one fall.

I keep walking home wanting this to be over with. I grab what I need and head towards my room. I had prepared everything the night before. I never thought I'd actually do it though. I smile staring at the photo in my hands. The photo we took while we were on vacation. We went to Yosemite and hiked numerous trails because she loved adventures so much.

In this photo, she is smiling down while she's on this huge rock. Her smile was so bright that day. I miss it so much, that smile, it was one of the only reasons I kept breathing.

Now that it's gone, I have no reason to keep breathing. I set the letters and papers down on my nightstand. I click play and the movie starts playing. We watched this movie on our first date. She cried so hard, it took forever to calm you down. We almost got kicked out too. I laugh dryly at the memory. Once I finished the movie I ate a bowl of fruit. She loved cherries and strawberries, saying they were the most romantic and erotic fruits ever. She could tie a knot with a cherry stem, it was quite the talent.

I hold my freedom in my hands, letting my mind fill with happy thoughts of her. I hold her picture in my hand and point the barrel to my head. A smile on my face. I never could drink her memory away. I call her, and as expected it goes to voicemail.

"I love you," I whisper and then I hang up. She probably won't even hear it. I felt at peace knowing that I tried.

Taking one last deep breath. One last look at the full moon and beautiful stars. I pull the trigger and...

Boom...