Poems

Solandis

sup

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Fucking regrets, I've got a lot of them. My biggest one was her. Yeah, I'm a basic cliche bitch but who gives a fuck. Right?

I regret not being able to make her smile more. Her smile was beautiful and I just wish I could have made it appear so much more. She deserved at least that, but no. My insecure ass had to fucking sneak around just to see her. Her eyes always twinkled a certain way every time she would smile. I think that's why I fell in love with her.

I regret not saying her name more even if it was kinda hard to pronounce, it made her blush every time I said it. Solandis. It meant delicate flower but she was anything but delicate. She was very hard headed, she had to fight for everything she wanted even if it was given to her. She had to make everything worth it, she had to fight so it meant everything to her. I think that's why I fell in love with her.

I regret not giving her the things she deserved. As hard headed as she was, she would only accept gifts from me. Every time I did buy her something she giggled this goofy laugh. She hated it, thought it sounded 'ugly' and sometimes 'disgusting'. I always told her it was beautiful, angelic even. She always rolled her eyes but still giggled at my horrible flirting. I think that's why I fell in love with her.

I regret not kissing her when I had plenty of chances to. Being the idiot I am would always pull away quickly. I would always kiss her in secret, making sure we were hidden. I rushed every kiss, barely giving myself a chance to hold her. I should have kissed her longer, held her longer, been there longer. Every time I did kiss her, she would always have this dazed look in her eyes. Her eyes seemed like diamonds and they glimmered with happiness. I think that's why I fell in love with her.

I regret not staying longer. I can't help to think that maybe if I had stayed with her a little longer every day than maybe she wouldn't have left. Maybe if I had stayed longer and given her more of a reason to trust me. Maybe if I had stayed longer to comfort her.

I regret not being good enough for her. I could have tried harder, I probably could have done more but I didn't. I was a coward for letting her go so easily, for making her suffer through that decision.

I regret all of it, she never got what she deserved. She never got what she needed, what she wanted. She only got me, and I wasn't good enough. I wasn't what she needed in her life. My insecurities should be my problem, not her obstacle. My fears should be my drive not her concern. I regret making her worry over me.

It's funny because I don't regret the experience. Her smile, name, laugh, kisses, I don't regret them. I won't ever regret them. It's kind of fucked up how life chose to push us together at the wrong time. A time where she was at the peak of her confidence and drive. A time where I was at the peak of my anxiety and where my insecurities controlled everything. Even now, when I am way more confident in myself, I still don't regret it.

She was the greatest thing to ever happen to me, she was the light to my dark sky. All of the stars, fireflies, lanterns, comets, and even the moon. She was my everything. I was most likely just a stepping stone in her path to find what she truly desired and what she truly wanted and needed. I don't mind it though, I'm just glad I was there.

I don't regret Solandis.

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I guess I'm back?