Poems

What if?

I shouldn't be here lol

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It's kind of scary to think about my past. All of the stupid shit i've done, all the trouble I got into because of that stupid shit. Ight, it's time for a sad and stupid story so sit your asses down.

Once upon a time, I was depressed (wow so surprising). My highschool ended up getting involved because one of my very bad cuts opened up during my math class. Stupid, right? I was taken to the school counselor and he called my parents. I have never seen a more disappointed and scared look in my entire life time. I've only been alive 23 years so it's kind of surprising.

My mother cried, my dad held her as he asked the counselor on what they should do for me. In the end the counselor called a 'buddy' of his from the ER and they labelled it as an emergency. So off to the ER I go, the worst 15 minutes of my life. My father yelled at me for not telling them that I was crazy. Blaming me for making my mother go through so much pain and grief. (My uncle had recently died from drug overdose).

The ER nurse asked if I had anything sharp on me, shook my head because what kind of lunatic brings a knife to school... Nevermind, don't answer that question. They removed any sharp objects from the little trauma room they took me to. They made me eat spaghetti with a plastic spoon. (I missed lunch). I was so fucking annoyed of being treated like a ticking time bomb. I almost lashed out at a nurse, the poor guy was new too.

I waited for 30 minutes while the special doctor came from some other place. She was supposed to be the one to 'officially diagnose' me. I will never be able to get the glares and glances out of my head. There was a little kid with the flu there. He asked me why I was here. I had no fucking idea how to tell this 6 year old that I was here for being a stupid bitch.

In the end the kid saw one of my older scars and smiled.

"You're like mommy! Mommy had those nasty battle wounds from fighting the monster! Daddy said that the monster didn't let her be happy. Mommy left a while ago, Daddy said that she was going to be happy now."

This little kid made me cry. I shit you not, I had snot and ugly tears rolling down my face. His eyes started to water as he reached from my hand. "Please don't go. Don't go like mommy."

His dad came back from wherever the fuck he was and apologized for having his kid bother me. That father will never understand how much that little kid fixed my perspective of things. I gave the kid the lollipop they gave me. God knows he deserves it way more than I ever did.

The doctor finally got there and took us to a 'special room' in the hospital. She was really nice, she gave me a Hershey bar. She started asking me questions but my parents were the ones to answer it for me. She seriously started to get pissed.

In the end she asked them to leave, dad was beyond mad. I thought it was funny as shit. Finally she looked to be at peace.

"I know I should probably keep this professional but holy fuck. Do they even let you breathe by yourself?"

I laughed for the first time that whole day. Kinda shitty right?

Blah blah blah. Got diagnosed. Blah blah blah. Got her number just in case I ever needed to talk. Blah blah blah. She prescribed me some kind of antidepressant. Blah blah blah. All sharp objects were removed from my room and I returned to school the next day.

My brother came home for the first time in 3 months. The first thing he did? He took me to Hooters... Fucking Hooters. It was awkward as shit but it ended up being fun. Little fun fact, he met his wife there. She was our waitress and he miraculously got her phone number.

We went to the park to watch the sunset afterwards. That was when he started to cry, he apologized more times than there are stars in the sky. He squeezed me so tight, blaming himself for not being there for me like a 'good brother' should be. I cried with him, it was a good 15 minutes of crying and talking. In those 15 minutes I bonded more with my brother than the 17 years I had known him.

The point of all of this is that you need to fucking think.

I am now 23, it's been 5 almost 6 years since then. I got off of antidepressants when I was 19, life has been smooth since then. My brother is now 26, almost 27 and is happily married. He had a daughter a year ago. She was born the exact day I was taken to the hospital. (Yes I do have the specific date embedded in my memory).

Her name is Astraea, she's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Her smile alone makes me cry, I shit you not.

It's scary to think that I was so close to taking my life. I think what if I had? Would my brother have met his girlfriend? Would Astraea even be here? It seems stupid but it makes me smile. I lived to see the greatest things ever and I'm only 23.

The little boy from the hospital? I met him almost a year after that day, he hugged me so tight and I hugged him tighter. I ended up taking him on a day out, with his dad's permission of course. He is almost 10 years old now, he's so fucking excited for 5th grade.

My doctor who diagnosed me? She would check up on me every month. We ended up getting a lot closer than intended. She came to my highschool graduation. She's now married to her beautiful wife and has 3 kids now. She named her son after me. Austin. I told her it was silly but she just smacked my upside the head. I'm supposed to become his godfather in 2 weeks.

I lived to get a dog. His name is Ezra, he's a black lab and pitbull mix. I got him from a shelter. He was a cage dog, living only to be put back in the ring. He's the sweetest baby you will ever meet. He's the one that helped me make it through a lot of tough shit. He also keeps me in shape, makes sure my abs remain flawless.  (I don't have fucking abs guys) . 

I lived to have a girlfriend. We've been together for 3 years but we've known each other for 4 years. She's helped me through some messed up shit. She told me a month ago that she was 3 weeks pregnant. I heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time the following week. I cried like a little bitch, the doctor ended up just handing me the box of tissues because I wouldn't stop crying. I'll let you on a little secret, I have her ring in my coat right now. I plan to ask her during dinner tonight. My gorgeous girlfriend, and hopefully future wife, Jasmine. 

Jasmine Hayes, has a certain ring to it right?

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Time to listen to sad music, got any suggestions?