Lost In The Stars

Chapter 6*

Abigail POV

I've always found it funny how our thoughts can control us in so many ways. If you think about it how many times do you think bad thoughts about yourself? For me, I know it's quite often. Do I look okay? Am I too skinny? Why do people not want to talk to me? But the worst you ask. Are my parents ashamed of me? As hard as I try to get them out of my head it never works. They're constantly there. When I want them to be and when I don't. Some days I would just like to forget everything and maybe, smile. Smiling. Something so easy has become so difficult to do. It's hard to believe how many things I used to take for granted. Sometimes you take a moment to look back at your life and smile remembering the fun times you had with friends and family or maybe to be embarrassed about that stupid haircut you got when you were seven. Oh, how I wish I could do all those things. When I take that time to look back it never goes well. It always ends in tears. I don't have good memories. All I have is sad memories that I would rather wish to forget. Mom, car crash, death, funeral, Todd leaving, tears, dad, more death, another funeral. Over and over. Over and over. I'm getting sick of it. I feel a hand on my face and I look up from my lap. There he is. Jesse Clarke. The one and only good thing in my life right now. He's looking at me with a worried look on his face. I touch my face to see why he's staring at me for, I touch my face and my hand is damp. Damp? Wait I've been crying. Shit, when did that happen?

"Oh my god, I'm sorry. I'm kind of a mess right now." I say adding a nervous laugh at the end. I start wiping away all the tears and get up from the comforting bed.

"I got to go Jesse. Thanks for today, umm I guess I'll see you tomorrow." I grab all my things and run out of there as fast as I can. I really hate other people seeing me cry. I can hear Jesse calling my name, telling me to come back. I don't. I open his door and run across his front yard and start running to my front door. But then I trip on a rock on the floor and fall flat forward. I groan in pain, my sides still hurt from the kick I earned from Stacy. I sit up and pull the hair at my hair from the roots.

"Why me? Have I done something wrong? Or do you just hate me!?" I shout up at the sky.

I feel a sob coming but I block it out. Just like I block out everything. I get up and make an A-line to my house. I run in slam the front door I hear Todd shout for me but I just ignore him and run up to my room. I get into my room and look at that stupid picture on my bedside. Me and my parents. Smiling. Smiling is so overrated. I go over to the picture and turn it upside down I'm not in the mood to even look at that photo. I go into my bathroom and splash water on my face. I look up and stare at myself in the mirror and sigh. When did my life start to become so cloudy? It's like I'm stuck in a forest and it's so foggy I try to look for the sun any sign of light, but all I get is darkness. I put my hand on my cheek and flinch, it's tender. I look at myself and realize something, this is not the person I want to be. The quiet, sad, depressed girl. It's not the person I want to be anymore. But saying I'm going to change is a lot easier said than done. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know who I want to be. Ever since my parents died I've been lost, like I lost a part of me that I'll never be able to get back. A tear runs down my face then before I know it I'm sobbing. There I am in the corner of my bathroom, crying. Suck it up Abb. I've done this for a whole 4 years of my life. Blocking out everyone, shutting out my feelings and emotions so no one can see the real me. The thoughts are the worsts. I keep seeing the car crash, I can hear my dad's screams. This just makes me hysterical.

"Abigail is that you? Are you okay?" I hear Todd ask from outside the door.

I wipe the tears away from my eyes and take a deep breath.

"Ye it's me. Don't come in I'm umm ... Changing," I tell him.

"Come on I know something's wrong talk to me Abb,"

"It's nothing for you to worry about. Nothing you haven't heard before." I say with a single tear dropping from my eyes.

"Please just leave me be Todd, I'll be down in 5 minutes," I say getting up from the floor and then leaning back on the counter and putting my head in my hands.

"Okay, Abbigail." He says back in a sad tone.

I hate making him feel that way. I can tell I'm a disappointment to him but what do I care anymore. I just don't care for many things these days and Todd's feelings are definitely one of them. I just learn to live with the sad, pity smiles thrown my way. The things that bother 'normal' people are usually the things that don't itch my conscious at all. I turn around and look myself in the eye in the mirror. I sigh and turn around and make my way to my bedroom. I Walk over to my nightstand and pick up the overturned photo and let it stand straight and proud like I should be doing, but hey we can't have everything in life. I put on some pajamas and go downstairs. Camryn is watching TV and playing with her toys on the floor. Having the time of her life. How I miss those days. The days where nothing mattered. The days when everything was so much simpler. I like simple it's so easy to be happy when everything is simple. Todd and Emma are sat on the couch side by side with their arms around each other and they're both laughing at Camryn. I go sit by Emma they both smile at me. They know I don't want to speak so they do just that. Not speak. We all sit there in front of the TV enjoying each other's company. Right at that moment it was all I could ask for.

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