Lost In The Stars

Chapter 11*

Darkness is always my answer. Darkness is my light. Sure that might sound a little weird but darkness doesn't hurt you it only surrounds you. To anyone else that could be the opposite of what they want but to me it's my answer to everything. Darkness won't call me names, won't punch me when I'm already down, darkness won't hurt me. I wish darkness didn't have to be my answer, I wish that I didn't have to be sad but sometimes wishes just don't come true. Darkness is my light in a tunnel, darkness brings my parents to life in the night. My dream is to be in the darkness forever. My dream is to be able to shine in the dark when all there is, is black. I want to be the star that shines brightest in the night, I want to be dust in the galaxy and not some girl that's trapped in between what's good and what's bad. I want to be happy. And that can only happen when I'm forever in the darkness. Am I there now because I don't see anything, just black. I know the answer to that question when my name is being called.

My eyes slowly open and I close them as soon as they open. The light is burning my eyes, and my head is crying out in pain. I groan and put my hands on my head but when I try I hear.

"No Abbie, hold on to me." I hear Jesse's soft voice but it sounds distant as if he's shouting at me from miles away when really I'm in his arms. He's carrying me to his car.

"I'm taking you to the hospital Abb, don't worry everything will be fine." My breathing starts coming out in pants when he mentions hospital. I'm not going to one of those places ever again.

"No, no h-hospitals." I stutter and try to breathe. It feels like I'm choking, air is hard to find and my trembling hands make it hard to concentrate. Jesse put me down on the ground next to his car and I lean my back on it and bring my knees up to my chest. Jesse is speaking to me but all I see are his lips moving and no sound. Everything's distant. I can't go back to one of those places, too many bad memories. All I can see is dad's body laying down on his death bed with tubes sticking into him and I can't get the image out of my head. I grip my head and pull at my hair begging for it to stop. Then I hear his screams of pain and I lose it. I scream out for it to stop. My heart feels like it's about to beat out of my chest, Jesse takes my hand and scares me I snatch it away and my breathing is really starting to become a problem. Jesse puts his hands on my face.

"Look at me, Abbie come on look at me." He says and I can see the panic in his eyes.

"No h-h-hospitals. I c-can't go back t-there. N-never." I stutter out in pants.

"Okay, okay, I won't take you there but you gotta breathe Abb come on take a deep breath in." He does what he's telling me and I do it with him.

"Deep breath in and slowly let it out, you can do it." I do what he's telling me over and over for what seems like hours. Once my breathing is back to normal and my thoughts are finally clear I hug Jesse and start to cry. He hugs me back and rubs my back. Dad's screams stop and the images finally leave my head.

"What the hell just happened to me?" I ask more to myself than Jesse but he answers me. Still breathing a little heavy.

"You just had a panic attack Abbie" I leave go of him and look him in the eye.

"What's happening to me?" I say in a whisper and look at the ground.

"I never used to be like this, I used to be happy," I say voicing my thoughts.

"It's okay Abbie, everyone goes through this okay, it's normal." He says taking my hand and squeezing it. He's talking from experience, I can tell. It's written over his face.

"How do you know that?" I ask the question.

"Let's just say I've been through some shit too that messed me up a bit." He says and it's his time to look down at the floor.