Make me stay

Why do I do this to myself?

When he gets home from work I'm standing in the kitchen frying hot dogs for him. I know he will be mad about the bruise from my classmates. It's already swollen. 

"Smells good" he says and wrings his jacket off. 

"Hot dogs" I answer with my back to him, hoping he's in a good mood. He slumps down into a chair. 

"Well, are you gonna get me a beer?" he reminds me and I hurry to the frige. He takes a big gulp and looks at me. "What the fuck happend to your face?" 

"Nothing. I slept on the porch; it got sunburnt on this side" I lie as best I can. 

"You think I don't know a black eye when I see one?! Who are you seeing? You cheating on me?!!!" he yells and gets up. 

"No! I promise I'm not! It's just a sunburn!" I try, but he's convinced otherwise. 

"You slutty whore! Who are you sleeping with?!" he demands and grabs me. I know where this is going. I don't like where this is going. 

"Please stop!" I beg. 

"I SAID SHAKE IT! You like it that much, I'mma give it to you!" he yells and drag me into the bedroom. With a rough grip he trows me down on the bed and tear at my pants. I try to keep them up but I've lost this game a hundred times already. 

As he climbs on top of me I'm scilent and still. He's rough and inconsidirate. As always. I let him finish and he gets up. 

It takes a while for me to unfrost after this. He knows this, so he stays in the kitchen making food, while I lie here with my face buried in a pillow. I try to stretch my arm out but it won't move. 

It hurts. 

It hurts in ways I can't describe. It hurts on me, on the places he hurt; but it also hurts inside me; in the places that shouldn't be invaded by others. He's forced his way into every dark corner of what should have been only mine. 

My chest is so cold, it's hard to breathe. 

Slowly, slowly I grab the side of the bed. Slowly I haul myself up and stand. The room is spinning. It's all a lie. It's all so dark. It's all so very ugly. 

The water in the shower hurts like gunshots on my skin. I don't cry. My eyes can't close enough to make tears come out. I just stare at the cracked wall and take shaky breaths. It hurts. I want to- 

I want to leave. This time I really can't stay. Not for a second longer. 

I stagger out of the shower and run a towel over myself. When I dress I'm still wet and my clothes stick to my skin making it hard to put them on. 

Quietly I open the window. I can hear the TV. I know he won't check on me for a while. I climb out like a criminal in the night. As quiet as I possibly can I close the window and slip away. 

It's only evening so I walk. I don't have my phone. I just walk until my feet hurt more than the rest of me, but it's not enough to snuff the pain. 

Around me the streets have gotten emptier and darker. It must be midnight or so. A girl in a miniskirt pass me. I wonder if we walk with the same hell or if she has another. She ignores me and I mirror her, and then we pass each other and go on into the night. 

It's cold. Of course. The night is over me and I can't go home. I'd rather sleep in the gutter right now. 

Funnily this is the price I pay to stay with him. I know it. I just hope it won't happen. I'm that naive, even now, even still. Though I've already paid I don't want to sleep in his bed now. I'm invaded, thrashed, robbed of all my dignity and so cold that only one thing will warm me.