Make me stay

One of those shitty days

I can't belive he kicked me out. Lying in the cold morning grass I think about yesterday. On the hard ground I'm comfortably cold and numb. 

He wanted me to go. In the end he was just like everyone else. Of course. 

How could I have thought anything else? Who would want me to stay? Who would care about someone like me? 

I can tell it's one of those shitty days today. One of those days where you can't stop thinking about yesterday. 

I sit up and rummage my pockets to find it. I bought it a few days ago but I wanted to be good for Jason. What a joke. I can't be good. Everything I do is wrong. Might as well do whatever then. He won't love me anyways. 

After taking it, I can barely tell I'm walking. The world is spinning around me and I feel like the clouds all drift closer to cover my sight. When look around to see where I'm at I trip over my own feet and fall into the grass at the side of the road again. 

It's not funny but I laugh hysterically and roll around feeling the pointy grass dig into my flesh. I hate this. I hate all of it. 

I hate my life. I hate remembering my past. I hate thinking about yesterday. I hate feeling like vermin. I hate being in pain. I hate that I hate myself for doing drugs because it's the only thing that eases the pain. 

Except for Jason... 

Fuck you, Jason. 

"Fuck you, Jason" I mumble towards the grass. It doesn't respond. 

"FUCK YOU, JASON!!!" I howl up to the sky and fell the sun shine on me while I wait. 

I wait. 

For something. 

Nothing happens. Obviously. 

I rub my eyes, frustrated with my annoying tears. It hurts so much. On top of that some annoying sound rings far away but it's impossible to tell what it is beacuse of the wind. 

I collapse at the side of the road again but the sound becomes stronger and I crawl up to scowl at whatever it is. It roars heavily. The road forwards is emepty. I stand up to get a better look. It sounds like a howling dragon closing in on me. 

I spin around to look back the way I came but trip over myself again and stumble back out onto the road, falling flat on my back in front of the big monster. It shreeks and comes to halt just when it's about to run me over. The buzzing engine is turned off and the driver gets off his bike. 

Why didn't he just kill me? I want to give up and ask this stranger to go back try again, but a warm hand takes a hold of me and yanks me back up. The sky spins before I land against someone's chest. I know this smell. 

"What are you doing, Ryan?!" he yells with a bewildered tone and an expression that's wild with worry. Why does he look like that? 

"Fulfilling my destiny" I grunt and push him off, but end up tripping backwards instead. He cathes me by my wrist before I fall, and pulls me up against him again. He's holding all of my weight. 

"As what? Leader of the undead crows?" he scoffs and keeps his hold around my wrists when I struggle. 

"As the freaky asshole no one's ever wanted" I correct him and feel my head spin because of the pills. It feels wonderful yet I still feel like shit. Funny how that works. 

"Well aren't you dramatic?" he mutters and pushes me towards the bike. I am, aren't I? Dramatic and dark. Foul and freaky. Unloveble and ugly. 

"Haha! You think I'm joking!" I sputter and laugh darkly. "He might kill me for coming home late. If I choke to death during work they will bury me in the woods and no one would look for me. And you didn't want me. You... you were the last one. You're the kindest person I've ever met. If not even you want me then what's the point in trying?" I laugh while choking on my own sobs. 

The pavement is moving like a discoball under my feet. 

Just leave already. 

But he doesn't. Instead he shoves me against the motorcycle and lifts me onto the big beast. I fall forward and he has to hold my body up while he sits down in front of me. 

I'm very confused - for many reasons - when he unbuckles his belt and slide it out of his pants. I'm just about to ask him when I feel the leather wrap around my hands. Instinctly I try to pull them away from him but the good stuff in my system is making most of my muscles soft as jelly. The belt is pulled tightly around my wrists and he checks it by yanking hard. 

"Ouch!" I complain but lean my dizzy head against his back. He smells so nice. It's unfair. 

"There. Now you won't fall off" he says and turns around to force the helmet down over my head. As he tightens the strap under my chin I look into his eyes for the first time today. I trusted you.  

"Thanks" I mumble and avert my face again. He looks like he wants to say something but he starts the MC and we fly off. The wind shoots past us in forceful gusts ready to rip me off, but the belt holds me in place, locking my arms around his firm waist. 

The t-shirt on his back is as soft as his sheets and he's warmer than the blazing sun above us. As we race down the long road through the fields of wheat and grass I allow myself to dream again. He has that effect on me. No matter what, he makes it so easy to lie to myself. 

I dare to pretend, just for a second, that he's mine and that we're just going home from a date. My tripping mind finds the illusion hilarious because I've never been on a date. I don't even know what people really do or talk about. 

It hurts so much, even trough the numbing nausea and dizziness of the pills. I daw a shaky breath and try to hold back the tears but it's no use. Like a kid crying against a mother's chest I sob heavily against his back. 

The shirt becomes wet with my tears and I figure he must be disgusted. What is he even doing here? Where is he taking me?  

He cut things off completely yesterday; that's why I feel so shitty right now. That's why I let myself stumble out onto the road. I should be so angry wiht him, but I can't. 

All I am is sad. My heart throbs like a deep gash or a splittering headache. My eyes sting from crying and it all feels so wrong. I am wrong. 

As I draw in the scent on his strong back I just want him to love me. 

It's all I want. 

But I know it's never going to happen.