Make me stay

Giant icicle

Right now he's mad at me. The sparkling eyes are not pleased with what I've done. I've done so much. He doesn't even know half of it. The thought makes me happy. He doesn't know it all. 

Though he is angry he sits down and sips a cup of coffee while trying to find the words. I would give everything to have him. He is a sweet flower. The kinds that grows in the wild but looks like it could be sold in a flower shop. 

I'm the filty soil beneath him. It's the only way I can be close to him. Otherwise I would be nothing. 

"I know it's hard, Ryan" he says after I sit down at the table. I don't answer him. He places a cup of hot chocolate in front of me. "I understand that it's difficult... that you have your reasons... and I want to respect that... but... I can't do this anymore" he tells me. 

My heart stops as if impaled by a giant icicle. 

"No, please! I'll do better! I'll be better" I lie and reach for him. He moves his arm away. 

I don't think he's ever done that before. 

"I just want to help. If you can just trust me" he says and look at me. His eyes are filled with so much pain. It's a pain I can understand, one I can end. If I just trust him. 

I look back at him with eyes brimming with hurt. It's a pain he can't understand, one he can't end. 

I swallow and look away. He makes it feel so much better but I can't tell him, can't explain why I can't trust him like that. It's a hurricane of suffering that I brought upon myself. It's all my fault. Soon I will not even be able to kid myself like this. To pretend that I'm worth anything, like I can in his presense. 

"Whatever you have done, whatever you have been victim of I will help you. I'm right here. Please try to trust me" he begs and his eyes really mean it. I know they do. 

But he doesn't understand what he's asking for. I am everything people avoid. Nothing about me is good. Nothing I do makes people happy. I've made Jason sad, isn't that proof? 

Apperently not because he reaches for me and takes my hand. It's like holding lava in my hand. Though it stings I don't cry. 

"You'll regret it" I tell him quietly and look down into the brown milk. 

"You'll regret it if you don't take this chans, Ry" he responds and I feel his burning stare on me. "You have a choice to make. Either you keep lying and you stay like this until he kills you, or you admit that you don't want this and you leave him." 

I want to cry, to yell, to scream that he's right and that I fucking hate my boyfriend, the bullies at school and work. I want to admit it. I want to live. 

"You don't know anything" I mutter. It's a lie of course. He knows more than I want him to. He sighs. 

"I know enough" he says. 

How is the little he knows enough to make him demand that I leave my boyfriend? Not even all of it is enough to make me think I can leave him. What makes us so different? 

Right. 

I'm a worthless idiot whore who doesn't know anything, who can't do anything, who will never be anything. And Jason is... well Jason is a god. 

"Let's not talk about this. Don't you rather wanna... sleep" I suggest and look at him with trained eyes. It's like the dark takes a hold of him. 

"You think I will sleep with you even though you say you'll go back to him tomorrow?! What the fuck is wrong with you!" he yells stands up with anger. 

A lot. Almost everything. 

The cups have both tumbled over from his motion and coffee and chocolate is pouring onto the table. 

"I'm sorry. I-I'm sorry. I..." I mumble and look at the two drinks forming pools and spilling down the table. I knew this would happen. I ruin everything. I never deserved him.  

Though it hurts like like being killed by a sharp icicle I get off the chair and bolt for the door. At least I got to hug him one last time. 

I'm so sad that I will never get to smell his sheets again, or feel the comfort of his heat, or see the beauty of his smile. He's not for you, Ryan. Rats like you don't get gods like him. 

I grab the door handle just as he gets a hold of me. He flings me around and I'm pushed to the door. His eyes are two oceans of sorrow. He's looking at me like this is his last chance to save his pincess. 

"Ryan..." he begs. 

Do it. Make me stay. 

Eternity could fit in that moment. I have never been so hopeful in my life. He will save me. He will say it. He is that someone!

The silence holds it's breath as he looks at me. I hold my breath. I can't believe what he says then. 

"Fine then... go if you want to." His tone is quiet and full of hate but it is nothing compared to the anger and cold in his eyes. 

I look at him in dis belief. 

But... 

No. This is right. This is what I get.  

Though I'm frosen in a horrible midwinter's frost I push him off of me and slip out through the door. It doesn't close behind me and I feel his gaze on my back as I run down the road. My breaths get stuck in my throat and I gaps for air as I run. 

Tears drip down my cheeks and I claw at my stinging chest. Nothing has ever hurt like this. I only have myself to blame. I kept coming back. I kept lying to myself because it felt good. I should have known better. 

Now I pay the price. 

As I collaps on the side of a dark road, a long way from home, a long way from the nearest house, I can without lying tell myself that this has been the worst day of my life.