Make me stay

Ecstatic confusion

We lie in his bed and I close my eyes as he stokes a stray strand of hair from my face. 

He made me take off all my clothes and I feel so naked and vunerable knowing he can see me. I don't know how to handle the fact that he hasn't fucked me yet. We're naked so he should want to do something but all he does is play with my hair and stare at my face. 

"Jason-" I start. 

"No, I don't wanna have sex" he says softly and stares at me even more intently. 

"Is it the bruises?" I ask quietly, with a desert in my throat and a shivering heart ready to break. 

"No, it's because I just want to hold you" he says. 

"I don't understand..." I mumble and look down at his lean stomach, half of which is hidden under the cover. No one has ever wanted to just hold me before. 

"I know" he whispers and pulls me towards him. My body rest uneasily against his, our incompareble skins touching. My flesh aches with the unfamiliar scenario. 

"Please, just let me-" I try but he cuts me off. 

"Not even if you thretened to leave me" he says and finds my hand under the covers. He guids it up to his face and I feel his lips press a soft kiss against it. 

"Why not?" I beg with a broken voice. 

"Why would we?" he asks then. Though it's a very easy question I can't find an answer that he wouldn't find repulsive. "A very small part of love is expressed through sex" he adds and my heart faints as he says the forbidden word. 

I try to ask him, to beg him, to tell him, but all that comes out is a desperate whining mumble. He puts a finger under my chin and lifts my face to look me in the eyes. I'm already destroyed but I hold my breath, waiting to be anihilated as he looks at me. 

When he says it, he's the first one in my entire life to tell me. 

"I love you." 

I shake my head. 

"No" I whisper. 

He looks so sad but still holds me close. 

"Yes I do. I love you" he protests and guide my bangs away from my eyes again. 

I lay down my head on his chest and listen to the beating heart below his sizzling skin. The rythm makes me feel calmer. He's real. I'm real. This is real. 

"Nuh-uh" I mumble and rub my cheek against his warm chest. 

"I love you" he says again with a softer voice now. 

"Hng-ung" I argue and close my eyes. He smells so nice. 

"I do, I love you" he repeaths. The sheets feel soft and cozy against my body as I shift it to get more comfortable. I mold against him. 

"Hm-m" I whimper contradictively. His fingers tangel in my hair as he caresses it between them like it's the finest silk on earth. 

"I love you, Ryan" he promises and his voice is thick with emotions this time. The heat radiates from his hand and I can feel it against my face. Swallowing the lump in my throat I think, this is a bad idea. 

"You know..." I start. "Someone else had their hand in my hair yesterday" I tell him. 

"Who?" he asks but I can tell he doesn't want to hear this. I don't realy want to tell him but somehow I can't stop. 

"A client" I answer though I fear that he will shove me off and kick me out. 

"I don't care" he says and kiss the top of my head again. 

"How can you not?" I whisper and turn my face down into his body. My lips tremble against his blazing skin. 

"Because I love you" he explains as if it should be obvious. 

"I don't understand" I whisper and try to focus on his scent rather than his words. It calms me down just enough not to break apart. 

"I know, but you will" he promises and strokes my hair again. I didn't know people could be this gentle. 

"Promise?" I ask against his chest. My lips drag across his skin as I speak. 

"I promise" he whispers and I hear how his voice breaks. The sound of his pain tugs at my heart.

"Why are you crying?" I ask worridly. 

"Because I love you" he says, his voice shaking. 

"I'm sorry" I apologize because I don't understand anything right now. 

"No, no. I'm so happy" he says and laughs through his tears. 

"Why?" I ask, confused as hell. 

"Because I love you" he laughs through the tears and I raise my head to look at him. He's smiling even though his face is wet. "Kiss me" he asks me and I pull myself up and align our faces. Slowly I press a careful kiss to his lips. 

He kisses me back smiling against my lips. I taste his salty tears and even though I don't understand what he feels I feel oddly calm in that moment. There is no litte voice calling me names or questioning his affection. 

I relish in the moment of ecstatic confusion. Somehow I feel like a naive kid again. 

Our naked skins suddenly feel very pleasant against each other and I slump back onto his chest wrapping my arms around him. 

"I'm never letting you go" I say and turn my face to his open skin again. 

"Me neither" he says and I dare to trust him just a little.