Fun Undertakings and Cool Kollections

Nightmares and Rick May

Alright guys. This one's gonna be a depressing chapter. I'm sorry in advance. Feel free to skip it or skip certain parts, I'll leave warning markers.

CONTENT WARNING: NIGHTMARES, HUMILIATION, ABANDONMENT, SUICIDE, SELF-LOATHING

I had another nightmare tonight...I've been plagued by frequent ones recently, to the point where I sleep through a lot of them, but I have one every time I sleep. This one preyed on my worst fear though.

It started out like a normal dream. A pretty good one too. Someone whom I've missed for a very long time finally came to see me. I was ecstatic. Unfortunately, she went and had her life without me. She got a boyfriend and they did everything together. I don't even know who it was, just some guy I could never hope to be. Someone big and strong and funny and everything I'm really not. All I could do was be happy for her. Be glad that she was so clearly there for him. I had to be. If I was so over the moon for her like I told her I was, then I should be happy if she found happiness. When I came back to my room, all I could do was cry. But even then I couldn't, I told myself, because that's selfish. Why would I be upset at missing out? It was my fault anyway. So I resolved to go away. I have a sliding door closet at the back of my room, with my shoes and finer outfits. I sealed that closet shut with me inside. It was just me, my clothes, and my phone with all notifications silenced. I don't know if I starved, suffocated, or died of thirst, because I woke up before I died. I just know that I did.

The worst part of my dream was how real it felt. It was a normal day. No weird landscaping, no dreamlike qualities save for a flashback. I felt there when she showed up. I was there when she brought her dream boyfriend. I was there when he explained everything that made him so much better than me. And I was there when she explained everything they'd done together. Flashbacks and all.

I'm so in love with this girl. And I know I stand no chance because I can never explain my feelings directly, nor could I even hope to be better than the people she already sees regularly. And I know this nightmare stems from something that already happened. Because I had to watch a different friend, whom I had feelings for, do the exact same song and dance as this nightmare. I just need to grow up and learn how to settle for less, because I don't deserve my perfect. I have no concept of value, I turn people away, I'm vulgar and oblivious. Why would I be so lucky to be loved when I've hurt as many people as I have? But somehow, every time I see her message ping, I get so overfilled with joy that I answer immediately. I am always eager to hear about her day. I talk about every little detail and joke about the good stuff to make her smile. In the end, her happiness is my top priority but I know I could never deserve her because she is so good, and I'm nothing like her.

CONTENT END

Still here? I don't think a lot of people are, but thank you if you happen to be.

CONTENT WARNING: DEATH, COVID-19, CANCER

On April 13th, 2020, I learned that Rick May, the man who brought the voice to Peppy from Starfox 64 (Do a barrel roll), Soldier from Team Fortress 2 (God bless America) and so many more passed away due to health complications including throat cancer, and COVID-19. To hear that this disease is still killing people is frightening, especially someone whom I feel so close to. Team Fortress 2 is the game I've played the most in my life at 1300 hours. It's been in my life for 5 years, and Soldier is my second most played class. He brought joy to hundreds of thousands around the world and I'm not gonna play the Soldier the same way now that he's gone. His voice was so distinguished to me, I ended up using it as my inspiration for my character in the most recent school production.

CONTENT END

Curious to see how the TF2 community reacted, I decided to load a game of Hightower, one of my favorite maps and the absolute best map for Soldier. It was a standard game, although I hadn't touched it in a few months since the game has been riddled with cheaters and bots recently. I was surprised to learn that there weren't any on this one server. I picked my class (Soldier, duh) and I played a bit. I had a really good time rocket-jumping and having fun. Then, I stood at the top platform of the Hightower and began the 21 Shotgun Salute taunt. It was just me at first. I was doing it for a screenshot to remember the day. Then, another Soldier came up with me and joined me. Then another. Then another. Before I knew it, half the server was up with me, either saluting or dancing. We had a cheater join our game and that sucked, but this was a rare moment for me. Where I actually did something good to remember someone I didn't even know.

There may not be a silver lining in every cloud, but that just means you get to appreciate the ones that have it, because those moments are the ones to treasure.