Ben

Chapter Five: No Ben

     You are what you constantly do. That is the reality of us. If we are constantly being good then we are a good person and if we do bad things then that is what we are. 

     Knowing a person is easier than knowing yourself because we can see them constantly without a mirror. We can observe them by watching their every move or try and talk to them to know them more.

     We also tend to know more about others than ourselves, unconsciously. Some might think what they're doing are for their own sake but the thing is it's not. It's just like following your parents' orders on which course to get because they say "it's better" or maybe "you can get a job after this" and the worst is "I heard it's on demand these years." They say those things without even considering you. They don't even ask about your own interest. It's not that they shouldn't care but what they're doing is unhealthy. They make us think that if we choose the course they say we are benefitting ourselves rather than benefitting their own plans.

     I have met heart breaking moments in my life. Although I have not ever entered a relationship, the first man I ever loved broke my heart; my father. He was also probably the reason why I developed trust issues amongst men. It was the reason why every single guy that tries to hit one me never gets further than that. I obviously never let them.

     Whenever they get too close, thoughts of them cheating on me would eat me alive. I would overthink that they're not taking me seriously or that they're just having fun with me.

     I never trusted men with my heart but I have many close friends though.

     Speaking of men, Ben and I had been texting for a while now. I have known simple things about him and so did he. Even at this moment we were still texting and it's already 10:00 pm. I was also feeling drowsy.

    "It's getting late, we should sleep."

    I hit sent and fixed my bed so that I can sleep comfortably. Then he replied.

    "Okay. Good night Crissa."

    I smiled. Who would've ever thought, the Ben I've been crushing on is talking to me till the evening.

    "Good night Ben."

    I replied and knew that that was the end for today. I was ready to close my eyes when my phone rang again.

    I picked it up only to see a text from Ben containing the three words that I never thought he would ever say.

    "I love you."

    I was shocked not because it warmed my heart but it felt like a trigger was pulled inside me.
    Ain't this getting too fast? Am I imagining things? Did he sent me the wrong message?

    "What?"

     I replied and waited frantically. Love? He loves me? That's just too much! That's exhilarating! 

    "I said I love you Cris."

    What the heck? Even if I like him that much, I don't believe that he loves me. In fact it had only been two months since we got close! What is he talking about?

    "I don't believe you. You may have had it wrong."

    I replied.

    He had probably mistaken infatuation with love. These two are tricky.

    "I think about you all the time, I want to see you all the time and want to know you more. Tell me, isn't this love?"

    He replied.

    Am I actually getting a love confession from the boy of my dreams?

    I wanted to scream. I don't know why, probably because of the butterflies or because of frustration? I ended up not replying.

    The next day I went to school rather late. I had trouble sleeping last night due to the shock I received from Ben's confession.

    But lucky for me, it was the room-to-room rally of the candidates running for the Supreme Council.

    Students were everywhere but their seat. There were only two parties this year but every teacher might've cancelled their classes.

    I arrived at our room only to find out that one party has already started their rally.

    It was hard to move through the crowded room so it wasn't impossible for me to hit someone.

    "I'm so sorry."

      I said as I looked up, and to my surprise it was Ben!

      I suddenly felt my face heat up and hurriedly walked towards an empty seat beside my friends.

    Then I remembered, Ben was running for a position too and this was his party.
      I glanced at him only to find out that he was looking at me! No, he wasn't just looking, he was staring.

      I felt myself unable to relax. Why is he staring at me? It's making me uncomfortable. Good thing his name was called out and he started to introduce himself and delivered his speech.

      Now every rally is not complete without the traditional "bracelet and dance". It's when the candidates pick someone in class to give a bracelet and dance with them. And it could be a great excuse to confess.

      One by one the candidates went to pick up their chosen partners. It was his turn when our eyes locked, and I could see that he was headed for me. Every person sitting in front moved away to give him space.

      I wanted to curse. What do I do? He's coming this way! My hands gripped the armchair.

      Hooo, relax Cris. He's just gonna ask you for a dance.

    "May  I?"

    Ben said while gesturing for my left hand. I hear my friends saying "take her!".

    I extended my hand and he took me to the front where the others were starting to slow dance.

    A song was playing on the background. I know this song, it was a Christina Perri song "A thousand years". We both swayed to the music as his eyes held mine and our fingers intertwined.

    "Cris...

    He started. My heart was already beating loud. I can't hear anything other than his voice.

    "Can I court you?"

      Four words...that's all it took. These simple words made my heart sank. Not because I didn't want to hear it but I have feared this.

    I have feared that he would say this to me one day and I have feared of what I would say as a reply.

    My mouth suddenly went dry. I couldn't speak. I looked at his hopeful eyes, patiently waiting for my answer. I looked around to see that there was only a few dancing along with us. But we have stopped dancing minutes ago because I was suddenly stiff.

    His grip on my hand tightened. What?What do I say?

     I've dreamed of this. I hoped for this. This is my chance with Ben!
    But then, the words came rolling down my tongue as if automatic. I saw hurt in his eyes for an instant when I said;
   
      "No Ben."