Ben

Chapter Ten: Separated From Ben

    One or two seconds- it only takes a while for us to feel forever because as what Emily Dickinson said "Forever is composed of nows."

     In a given amount of time, we could accumulate so many feelings hovering in our hearts and minds. We can come up with multiple reactions. But in that given amount of time, we want to hope that it will never end somehow. That it would ultimately last forever.

    The amount of time I had spent with Ben felt so little due to the fact that we talk more through the phone rather than personally hanging out. We only get to spend time together at school and never much really went out on dates.

    I know for sure that we still need more time to strengthen our bonds. But it was getting harder and harder as the days go by. Ben was graduating soon and is going to a new school while I will still have to spend a year here.

    Although we both agreed that we will still try to make time and still meet in person but I know it won't be the same as now. I won't be able to see him daily and get to talk to him whenever I want.

     I know we had to make adjustments and we both should be ready of what's to come. It was especially challenging for Ben, he would be going to a different school, and get used to the new environment, make new friends. Well, I guess it wouldn't be as challenging because he's rather outgoing.

    I would surely miss him playing his guitar for me while I sing. I would miss staring at him from afar thinking as if he wasn't mine at all. I will miss him coming up towards me giving me food during break. But, it was only for a year. After all, we will be attending the same school again.

    I was walking down the corridor while looking out for Ben. It was a Monday morning and everyone seemed busy planning for the end of school year, cleaning here and there. I've been meaning to talk to him in person since the weekend.

    After a few steps and turns, I finally saw him. Sadly, he wasn't alone. He was surrounded by his friends.

    I couldn't help but notice how close he was with them, both boys and girls. I also couldn't help but feel jealousy creep into me while I watch him and one of his girl-friends acting close and mushy. 

    The next thing I knew, I was walking away from him.

      That girl, she seemed closer to Ben than I was. I suddenly felt down and envious.

    What about next year? Will they be even closer? I wouldn't be there to see him all the time. What if... what if they get all too comfortable and Ben would have no time for me anymore?

      Slowly I drown into my thoughts, my insecurities clawing at me. My chest was in pain, I was in pain. I couldn't walk any longer so I decided to sit down.

       I couldn't believe myself, how can I be so immature? Why do I have to be jealous with that? Of course they act like that, of course they're close but still, there was a pang of hurt I couldn't hide. I have become unreasonable.

"Cris."

     I jolted when someone called out my name. My eyes were all foggy from the stubborn tears that was about to fall. I looked up slowly to see who it was and there I saw Ben's concerned face. His eyes filled with concern.

"Are you crying? Why are you crying?"

       His voice was soft. It was as if he's talking to a child having a tantrum. And I felt like one at that moment. I felt like a child having a pointless tantrum.

"Ben.

I said calmly and choked back my tears.

"I uh I wasn't crying. Something must've gotten in my eye."