Even Wilder

Violet

Bing was leaving.

I sat next to Wilder on his bed and rubbed his back. Rubbing it in big circles like I did since we were kids when he wasn't feeling happy.

Bing was still asleep in his room and unaware he was going to lose his brother.

Wilder hadn't said a word. He was devastated. There wasn't a whole lot to say. What would it change? His life was falling apart. He was losing his little brother, and Bing meant the world to him.

The look on his face as he read over that paper, I would never forget it. I could see his heart breaking. I could feel his pain, knowing Bing was no longer his. I didn't know what to do to make him feel better. I wanted to make him feel better, but I didn't know how.

He curled up on the bed, shutting the world out. I waited for him to say something. But he didn't. He just shut his eyes. I usually was the one getting comforted. I didn't do the comforting. No matter how bad life was for Wilder, he still managed to get through it and hold my hand through all my shit.

What a sick joke. His mother never did anything right. And the one time she did, it still ruined everything.

I rubbed his back, curling up behind him, I promised him I was there. I would be there for as long as he needed it.

"I just want to be alone," he whispered.

"Okay." It hurt a little.

"I love you," he said softly.

I kissed his head and left him alone, pulling the door shut behind me. And I was crying in the hallway, covering my mouth, so I didn't wake Bing. My heart breaking for both of them. For myself because this wasn't going to end well.

I loved Bing like a little brother. I was going to miss him too. I ran out the front door and across the street to my house. And when I got inside, I yelled for Mom.

She rushed downstairs, a frightened look on her face. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"I'm not." I ran to her, wrapping my arms around her. "He's taking Bing. Wilder is losing Bing, and there's nothing he can do about it."

My mom's fingers gripped me even tighter. She started crying right along with me. We held each other and cried. Ugly cries with snot and jagged breaths full of pain.

After a few minutes, she pulled herself together and wiped my eyes, and we went into the living room. I explained the entire thing. And we cried again.

"Maybe this is for the best," she said, letting out a ragged breath. She wiped at her eyes. "Maybe this is what Bing needs."

We could say maybe all we wanted. We both knew Wilder was going to fall apart. He didn't grieve his mother but he would grieve losing Bing.

Mom got us some tissues, and we cleaned ourselves up. "You are strong. I know you can help him through this."

"Mom. I don't know what to do to fix this."

"He's going to fall apart. He's going to lash out at all of us and everything. Don't take it personally. His heart is breaking."

"What if he won't let me be there?"

She grabbed my shoulders. "Violet, you were meant to be there for Wilder. And Wilder was meant to be there for you. Don't let him push you away. Don't let him fall apart."

***

I went back over to Wilder's and slept on the couch giving him the space he wanted.

I hardly slept. I laid there worrying about him and what he was going to do now that Bing was leaving — afraid that I wouldn't be able to fix it.