Fixing Sang

Chapter one

Dear Myself,
I never understood why it's always me the one to hurt. Why I would be the weakest and most unwanted person to exist. But in a way I could understand. My supposed family tell me why all the time.

Sang you are worthless. You're just a waste of space. You dont deserve to live because you have nothing of yourself to give. These scars you have, make you a target, for more pain. You'll never be wanted, unless theres your body to gain. I'll teach you these lessons so you don't keep making all these mistakes. Just because you're a whore don't give you the right to ruin our family name.

Now I wish I could say that my life had something beautiful to look up to. That I had a light through all these bad times. But I dont. I cope by studying different things. From languages, to computer hacks. Or I'll try new things when I can such as a new recipe to self defense. But all my gained skills don't help me anymore. Now they're just skills that pass the time.

I don't believe that this is where I belong. But maybe I don't belong anywhere. I long to feel the taste of freedom. But maybe I'll never get that far. Family is only a word. Not a meaning or a name. I know that families exist. But not here in the household of the Sorensen name.

Here I don't belong. I'm the outsider peeking in. I'm used and abused constantly. Yet there's nothing I will ever be able to do. Mother likes to scream at me, punish me for every single mistake. Marie my oldest sister, throws her anger in my face. Dad, is never around, and when he is he doesn't care, because I'm the family's dissapointment. I'm the fake in their real world.

Because about a year ago I relized, I'm not mothers real daughter. I relized that Marie is not my sister. My name is not my identity. And my records were never made. I'm a fraud to the world. And a phoney to this home. But maybe one day I'll be less lonely. Maybe one day I'll finally belong.

Because now we are moving. To a new state, a new house. Maybe I'll have something to light up my darkness. Because if not... I think I'll just give in. Give in to the pain I burden. To the hatred of myself I feel. I might finally take my last breath, and never again have to feel.

But hopefully, with a sliver left of hope that I have sprouted and grown. Maybe I will meet a friend. Maybe I'll smile and laugh. Maybe I can have a reason, to walk this world. Because if I can have just one friend, I wouldn't feel so alone. I wouldn't feel this completely useless. I wouldn't be a used doll. I could finally be wanted. Important to someone. Because I know I'm worthless, but one person on my side, will make me less worthless.

Hope is all I have left to give.

Goodnight,
Diary

Sincerely, Sang Sorensen