Rhythm of Life (Varduzco Series #1)

Sixteenth Rhythm

Sixteenth Rhythm

Confession

I'M STARING blankly at the grave of my father as I get a stick of cigarette. Sinindihan ko ito at kaagad na ipinatong sa aking labi para mahigop na ang usok nito. I ran as fast as I could to escape from Ranger. I'm just hoping that he's fine right now.

Napatitig ako sa pangalan ni Papa na nakasulat sa kaniyang puntod. May bulaklak pa na nakalagay dito ngayon, tingin ko ay isa sa mga tagahanga niya ang nagbigay nito.

Well, they don't have any idea on how he took his life on the day of my 17th birthday. His manager together with Mama did everything to cover up his death. Ang naalala ko noon, sabi nila sa medya ay cardiac arrest daw ang nangyari kay Papa. Pinagtakpan nila ang lahat bilang respeto kay Papa at sa pamilya ko.

But I wonder if that's what my father wants to happen. Did he really wants to keep everything private?

Hanggang ngayon ay binabagabag pa rin ako ng mga alaalang iyon. I was on rehab after that incident because I find it really hard to think properly to the point that I'm no longer eating and sleeping. Every time I'm going to sleep, all I could see was my father's lifeless body. Nakakatakot, nakakatrauma.

Mama took me in so we could live together. Doon kami tumira sa bahay na ipinagawa sa akin ni Papa, my own property. Sa sobrang trauma ko noon ay naging bayolente ako. I would always break things around me. Ang mga kagamitan na nagpapaalala kay Papa ay kinamumuhian ko noon kaya sinisira ko ito. Halos isang taon din bago bumuti ang lagay ko. But up until now, I still have grudges inside me. I don't think I get better nor the rehab was helpful. Lumalim lang ang hinanakit ko sa mga magulang ko kaya naging ganito ako ngayon.

Nang matapos ako sa paninigarilyo ay inihagis ko lang ito sa sahig bago iyon tinapakan. I brushed my wet hair through the use of my slim fingers. It was raining cats and dogs earlier but I'm glad that it stopped already. Pakiramdam ko ay magkakasakit ako ngayon.

"Why do you have to leave me?" mariin kong nakagat ang pang ibaba kong labi dahil naramdaman ko na naman ang unti-unting pagbagsak ng aking mga luha.

Mama said that Papa raped her and I don't know what to believe anymore! Kung siguro ay noon ko pa nalaman ang nangyari ay baka nagawa ko pa silang kausapin, baka nagawa ko pang itama ang matagal nang mali.

Kung alam ko lang ay baka mas natanggap ko ang galit ni Mama sa akin, nang sa gano'n ay mas maintindihan ko kung bakit siya ganoon sa amin.

I stomped on his grave for a couple of times. "Tell me why do you have to do that, Pa!"

Halo-halo na ang nararamdaman ko sa aking kaloob-looban, hindi na ako mapakali dahil muling umusbong ang galit at pighati na meron ako.

Unti-unti akong bumagsak sa aking kinatatayuan hanggang sa tuluyan na akong napaluhod sa puntod ni Papa. Paulit-ulit ko pa itong hinahampas na para bang may magbabago kapag ipinagpatuloy ko iyon.

I just want to know my father's side and why he did that to himself. Gusto kong malaman kung bakit ganoon ang desisyong ginawa niya kaysa kausapin ako. Makikinig naman ako, a?! I am more than willing to help him ease the pain! I can make him happy, too!

Bakit kinalimutan niyang nandito pa ako?

Maybe the reason why I'm like this is because I can't move on from the pain that my father inflicted inside me. I still can't get over from the fact that he left me like what my mom did. Hindi ko lang talaga siguro matanggap na nagawa niya ang bagay na 'yon.

I cried silently as I pinned my forehead against my father's grave.

Papa, I wish you could tell me the reason why you took away your own life. Sana makausap kitang muli, kahit sandali lang.