The stories that killed their writer

Chapter 13: Close your eyes

Lana's POV

I took a deep breath while I closed my eyes.

"You'll do fine."

I looked to my left, at Melody. She was showing me a sympathetic smile. "You think?"

"Of course," She then reached in her purse and handed me her wallet. "Take your time and speak freely, this is the place to do so." She said as she looked at the house.

I followed her gaze and saw her looking at the house of Dr.Hansen. "I guess."

She patted my leg gently. "You survived it once, you'll be fine."

I smiled a bit. "Yeah."

She leaned in and kissed my lips. "I'll wait here, ok?"

I nodded.

"Go on."

I got out of the car and walked to the front door. I rang the doorbell and waited. While I waited, I turned back around and saw Melody look at me. When she saw me looking, she waved. I smiled a bit and waved back.

"Hello, Lana."

I turned back around and saw Dr.Hansen. "Hello."

She smiled. "Come on in," She went aside to let me enter, which I did. She guided us to the same room as last time. "Have a seat," She motioned to the same one-man sofa as last time. When we both sat down, she smiled at me. "How are you?"

I slowly nodded. "I'm fine."

She looked at me.

Her stare made me feel uncomfortable, as if she could look right through me. Then I realized, she might be able to do that. Maybe that's the secret power of psychologists...

Even though nothing was said for 2 minutes, she started writing. She wrote things down, things about me. How can she do that? What is she basing her findings on? I haven't said anything, yet she writes things down... I don't get it.

"What are you writing down?"

She looked at me. "My findings."

I gulped. "But I haven't said anything yet."

She put her pen down and looked at me. "What do you want to talk about?"

"I... I don't know..."

She nodded but didn't ask anything else.

And then we sat in silence again. I didn't understand this way of working. Did she want me to talk randomly? Was she thinking about questions to ask? Was she waiting for something to happen? What were the rules here? I wish someone could tell me.

I sighed and looked around the room. In the corner of my eyes, I noticed Dr.Hansen look at me and writing things down. She kept doing that for a bit. Until I decided it was enough: "I'm not crazy."

She looked up at me, her eyebrows raised.

"I'm not crazy, I'm not depressed, I'm not suicidal," I looked at her, making sure to show her how determined I was about this. "I really am not."

She put her pen down again. "Who says you are?"

"My wife and my friends."

She nodded. "Why would they say that?"

I shrugged.

She kept looking at me.

I looked down, my foot and chest came into view. "I jumped out of a window." I gulped as I realized how that sentence would make me sound. She must think I'm stupid or crazy... 

"How do you feel when you think back at it?"

I looked at her. "I feel embarrassed."

"Why?"

I looked down, fidgeting with my fingers. "Because it's stupid," I gulped. "Because it sounds stupid."

She tilted her head a bit. "Why do you think it's stupid?"

I looked at her. She seemed genuinely interested, but not in the way she'd be trying to get something to gossip about later. I liked it. "Because people said so."

"But why do you think it's stupid?"

I frowned a bit. "Because people said so."

"I know," She seemed to think my response was funny in some way. "But what do you think?"

Then I understood her. And I wondered: what did I think? Did I think it was stupid or did others plant that idea in my head? I only did what I thought was best at the moment... I looked back up at her and saw her look at me. "Looking back at it now..." I looked down. "I do think it's stupid and not a smart move," I sighed. "But I had no choice."

"Why's that?"

I looked at her. "Something was out to get me."

She nodded.

"It was trying to get into my room, I had to escape. It was the only way out," I sighed as I looked away to nothing in particular. "I wish I could tell them about Shax."

"Tell me about Shax."

My mouth opened but nothing came out, it seemed as if the words were stuck in my throat and couldn't come out. It was as if my whole body was frozen as if I couldn't do anything anymore.

Dr.Hansen sat up, leaning closer to me. "Are you alright?"

I was just paralyzed. I was frozen. All because of Shax.

"Ok," She put her pen and notebook down and leaned even closer to me. "Lana, I want you to close your eyes, can you do that?"

I gulped and nodded before I closed my eyes.

"Breathe in for 4 seconds through your nose and release the air through your mouth for 6 seconds."

I did as she said: I breathed in and counted in my head before breathing out and counting again. I did this several times and it calmed me.

"Now I want you to try to tell me about Shax again, can you do that?"

I gulped. "Can I keep my eyes closed?"

"You can do whatever makes you feel best."

I nodded before gulping again. "I met Shax in the mirror when I was 21," I gulped again. "I had woken up in the middle of a nightmare, but I couldn't remember what it was about," I let out a breath. "I went to the bathroom and when I looked in the mirror, I saw it standing behind me," I gulped. "It has been taunting me ever since."

She didn't say anything so I assumed I could continue. I did wonder though what she was doing now, how she was looking at me, would she be frowning or just looking?

"I know it wants to break free and, in order to do that, it wants to get rid of me," I gulped. "Others, like Wednesday, Estelle, or Christina have fought it, to keep it away from me. They care about me," I looked down while still keeping my eyes closed. "I write book after book to keep it under control, to keep it weak enough so they can manage it. But it's getting so hard, it's getting rougher and more dangerous," I sniffled. "It wants to kill me." I then opened my eyes and noticed her look at me.

She seemed worried, perhaps even a bit terrified.

I looked down, I felt ashamed to have been this open with her. It seemed like she thought I must be crazy...

She got up and walked to the desk that was present in the room. She rumbled through a drawer of the desk before coming back to me. She sat down on the sofa again and looked at me. "I want you to write every encounter you have with Shax down in this notebook, can you do that?" She asked as she handed the notebook to me.

"Yes," I took the little notebook from her. "I can try."

She showed me a small smile. "Very well," She looked at her watch and then closed her notebook. "I think we can stop here for today," She then took her agenda and looked at it. "Same time next week?" She looked at me.

"Sounds good." I smiled at her.