Be My Addiction

22 • Promise

Ethan

I looked at the packet of pills in front of me - my pills - and I could feel myself filling up with dread. 

"Are these yours?" He asked but I could see he wasn't asking. He wasn't accusing either. At least, it didn't feel like that.

"What do you mean?" I played stupid though I hoped he didn't realize this. I was resisting the urge to yank the pills away from him. I was obviously going through withdrawal symptoms. My head was pounding and I couldn't stop shaking. It was clear I needed the pills.

Eugene looked at me with a raised eyebrow. I knew he didn't believe me. Sighing, he shook his head, "You have some explaining to do."

I shook my head as well, "Do I? I seriously have no clue what you are talking about." I stated though I couldn't meet his eyes.

Ethan crossed his arms over his chest, "Ethan don't. Don't do that. Don't deny it. Don't pretend nothing is going on. Ethan this isn't good for you-"

Regretfully, the withdrawal was bringing out some agitation issues. I could feel the irritation building up and it was like I had no filter. "Don't you think I know that?" I snapped. Gene's eyebrows scrunched together.

"Then why do you take them?" His voice was softer and filled with confusion. 

He was too innocent to hear my reasoning.

Sighing, I pulled my knees to my chest and looked away, "It started after the car accident. The doctor provided me oxycontin because of my injuries. I still had pills by the time I was healed. When I finally realized the situation... When I finally realized Brian was dead and my parents didn't love me anymore, the world became too much. I just wanted to not feel anything. I couldn't sleep.. Couldn't think. I pushed everyone away because I was so angry. So I began taking the pills. Just one or two at first but when I got used to that, I began taking more. Now I take at least five."

I glanced to Gene to see him just listening and staring, his puppy eyes boring into mine. Taking a breath, I continued, "They made me numb and calm and made me forget. Have you ever seen a dead body?" I could only whisper. Gene slowly shook his head. "Well I have. And these pills..? They make me forget all of that. They make me ok."

For a moment, we were both silent. 

Eugene was thinking. I could tell by the way his eyebrows creased and the way he rubbed the webbing between his thumb and pointer finger with his other thumb while his eyes darted around. 

Finally, his eyes landed on me, "Ethan, you are not ok."

I knew I wasn't. I haven't been able to be ok for a while. I just didn't want to admit it. Not to anyone and not to myself..

Eugene sighed softly though I could tell it wasn't out of annoyance. He scanned me over before he spoke again, "Ethan... I can't ask you to quit right away. I know going cold turkey can be dangerous, especially for someone who is dependant on the drug. Or at least, that's what google says." He chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck before getting serious again. "I want to help you come clean. I want to help you detox."

This time, it was my turn to sigh, "I can't Eugene... I can't handle things without the high."

Eugene just looked pretty determined, "yes you can. You can't see that right now but I know you are strong enough. It will be hard but you need to try. Ethan please. I'm trying to keep this between us but if I have to, I'll get help."

Did he just threaten me? 

No, it's more than that. When I look at Gene, all I see is desperation. He must know that getting someone involved might ruin our relationship. He's just willing to do anything if it meant I get clean. 

I don't think I'll be able to get clean.

But what's the harm in trying?

"Ok.." I agreed, slumping down a bit.

The boy seemed to perk up with hope, "Ok?" He tilted his head.

This boy is dangerously cute.

"Ok. I'll try." I tried for a smile.

He grinned happily at me hugged me. I was a bit surprised but hugged back, only to hear, "Thank you, Ethan. This means a lot to me." He said softly.

I couldn't help but smile more and he soon pulled back. He fished inside the pill bag for a moment, glancing around "I know you are going through withdrawals right now so I'll give you three." He handed them to me and after I moment, I downed them, without water.

He put the pills in his bag and turned to face me, "I know this is risky and complicated but whenever you get urges and withdrawals, I want you to text me. I'll come over and help you develop better coping mechanisms... And when you run out of pills this time, I want you to promise me you won't go get more." He held his hand out as if he wanted me to shake it.

When I reached out, I pulled his hand away slightly, "I'm serious, Ethan. I'm very serious about my promises and I need you to be one hundred percent ready for this."

I could tell he was serious. I could easily lie but I didn't want to break his promise. I could also refuse but that might make our relationship patchy. Instead, I bit my lip and shook his hand. "Deal." His eyes searched mine and I didn't look away. Eugene let out a sigh of relief and smiled.

"Thank god.." He whispered.