Candle in the Dark (Tragic story #1)

Chapter 12: End

Present: "More precious than silver."

It's true that I was Achile. For the longest time, I knew but I deny myself. I don't know how am even able to speak my mind, possessing my true identity, but one thing is for sure.. this is me. The man who loved her more than anyone, who treasured her more than silvers and diamonds. But also, the man who left her.. who killed her.

I deny myself. Because I blamed me for losing her. I knew just how she felt that time but I refused to tell her and chose this and that.

I know everything about her. Mula sa mga masasakit na karanasan hanggang sa mga bagay na nagpapasaya sa kanya. How his father and mother died. How his brother died too.. how she went a hell of a life and how she chose to live. Her silent tears, quiet prayers, and eagerness to end it all. But she trusted me with all her heart.

She decorated my life and together created our own world.

Even you can destroy your most precious silver. Kasi ganun naman yun. Kung sino pa ang aakalain nating magpapadama ng kapayapaan at kaligtasan ay siya pang kukuha nun sayo. My case was.. I was the suspect.

I loved her alright but I killed her like what the song says: "I loved you but I lied." It was accident in my mind. It was. Until I was here.. and confirmed that it wasn't anymore.

I believed in forever. When she died, everything was falling apart, but still I believed. And now that I was the one who killed her, I don't think so.

My thoughts were disorganized I couldn't storytell further. But the image of her smiling face was strong inside that it gave me hope to take over control of all the personalities I created. To destroy the world I lived in for years.

Darling.. I'm sorry that yes I was finally here in the reality.. yet it just made me feel of a knife inside of my heart, properly buried. I imagined myself doing it now after all the thinking and the talking here. I am sorry that anytime, I will kill myself.

No, it wasn't true that I and Kael, her brother were kidnapped. It wasn't true that she chose Kael over me. It was all an illusion.. of the things I wanted to happen. That never happened.

We were happy although her life was all ruined. One night, I accidentally wasted my life by drinking a lot of beers. I troubled myself and punched by so many men I don't even remember. I was saved by a woman, lived the night with her. I was so confused when I realized I just made out with someone. I was so guilty that I tried to distance myself from her. Lalo na nang magpakitang muli ang babae at sinabing nagbunga ang isang gabi naming pagsasama! I was lost! I didn't want to see her because I felt dirty. I felt I didn't deserve her love and passion.

I acted cold in her presence. Tinaboy ko siya, paunti-unti.. gamit ang masasakit na pag iwas, at malalang mga salita.. pati na rin ang mga balitang nakakamatay. I wanted her to stop chasing me.

My friends were convincing me to tell her the truth to free myself from the sin I committed. Kaya nagpakalayo layo ako para hindi na rin ako makita ng mga kaibigan namin. Habang tumatagal, lumalaki na rin ang tiyan ng babae. She was constantly contacting me for the update and I was just a man who didn't know what to do. I chose the pregnant woman over telling her what I've done. I left her with unsaid words, without expressed emotions. I left her.. all alone.

A year had passed. News about her stopped coming. I had no idea about her anymore. Until one of our friends saw me in the place where I sought refuge. There, he told me everything. He told me my most feared thing. Gumuho na ang mundo ko sa balitang nagpakamatay siya.. nang mag isa.. nang walang nakakaalam sa loob ng ilang araw.. dahil sa akin. Dahil sa poot at hinanakit na ibinigay ko.

Siguro ay sa sobrang sakit na naramdaman, walang anumang salita ang lumabas mula sa akin. At siguro ay dito na rin magtatapos.

Bakit ko pa nga ba pinatagal ang mga sandali ko dito sa mundo gamit ang ilang katauhan na hindi ako? Para magbayad ng kung ano.. para makaiwas at makalimot? Hindi ko alam. Ngayong nandito na ako, bakit ko pa patatagaling muli?

However, many times.. I wished you were here. Many times in my most sad and lonely days, I wished you were near. I am sorry that I never said what you needed to hear. I am really sorry.

Baliw ako sa mata ng mga taong nakakakilala sa akin o sa mga nandito at nandoon. Pero isa lamang akong malungkot na tao.. na punong puno ng pagsisisi at pangungulila.

They said some hearts are diamond. And I said, most of the hearts are paper. Easy to scratch. Easy to destroy. But never will be strong for unfortunate ones. And then my heart became stone. A tiny stone deep beneath the river.

Some gave me courage. But it would never be enough. My decision to choose to be this way was strong. I forgot that I had a child inside another woman's belly. Somehow, I imagine her whispering to continue life because of this unknown and unwanted angel not from her.

I imagined her all the time giving me courage, consoling me.. that it wasn't my fault. I imagined her staying by my side. My imaginations of her were solid that I felt they were real. That it gave me faith to move on. There was light somehow in her absence.. but really darkness was always there.

Now that I think of it, there was really sunlight amid the dusk.

Like candle in the dark, though dim yet still gives me light.

But see, she was it. At nakaya ko pa rin siyang saktan. Mahal na mahal ko siya pero nagawa ko siyang iwan ng walang pasabi at walang pag-aalinlangan. Ako na sobrang nagmahal sa kanya ang dahilan ng pagpapakamatay niya.

Our story will never be of those fairy tales. Happily ever after fuck that! Even Romeo and Juliet wouldn't accept that ours is similar to theirs. Because it is hugely different. They have castle, princesses, and knight in shining armor. Ours had castle of hatred and loath. Funny how it even combined with longing love.

I looked up the sky, running my hands over my eyes. And I felt out of bed, cursing my head from things I've done. Everything is a curse!

I began to question the existence of God. I began to doubt his power and plans. He had planned all of these based on the destiny everyone is bragging about. So he planned to give us miserable lives, is that it? Is it true? Please give me signs if they are true.

Or if it is.. what's his reasons? For giving us something unbearable? She killed herself because she couldn't take it anymore. Religious people said you will only give us something we can go through, that you will only provide problems that we can solve.

She did it and I was the cause of her death. What is your reason to let me do it to her? Because I was weak? I was a bad person for not thinking twice or thrice before doing something, am I right? Is that your reason?

Why then made me like that? Why did you not made me strong and pure and good? So we wouldn't all end like this.

I wanted to cry badly.. but there were no tears anymore. I wanted to feel the longing and guilt but my emotions were not there, as if removed long ago.

My love has gone away.. quietly after hundred days. Every little kind of love was long gone. And then I could still hear her say that I should stop this. But through the years, her voice was slowly fading away.

Therefore, God.. what is the purpose of all these hallucinations? Is this my destiny?

But then again, the day I first kiss her kept coming back. It was like a display of love to those who I betray. To her. For a short span of time, again it gave me hope until the taste of bitterness that I regret was being blown by the wind.

This is how my mind works. Disorganized. Chaotic. Ruined.

I let the sea swallowed me. Beneath it was my kind of death. And I will never surface in this life again.

So.. to all, it was nice talking with you.

Good bye.

|Mensahe ng Manunulat |

Hello po!

Hanggang dito na nga po ang storyang ito. Salamat sa mga nagbasa, sa mga magbabasa pa lamang, at sa mga nagbabalak. Nawa'y maging ligtas tayong lahat hanggang sa huli at malagpasan ang kasalukuyang delubyo na hinaharap.

Keep safe everyone :)