Anxiety spikes within me as I hear footsteps coming down the stairs. Kellin emerges at the bottom of them and enters the living room where I've been awake all night, feeling absolutely terrible.
He looks a lot better than he did last night. He seems calmer, and he's freshly showered.
His eyes sadden when he sees me.
"Have you slept?" he asks softly.
I shake my head truthfully and look down. I can't lie this time when it's so blatantly obvious.
He smiles sadly and joins me on the sofa.
I feel tense. Part of me is expecting him to yell at me again. I know I deserve it though.
"I'm sorry about last night." Kellin begins softly.
Tears prick my eyes and I shake my head.
"You don't need to be sorry. I fucked up." I whisper, looking down at my hands.
"You did." Kellin nods. "And I'm still very upset about it. But I had no right to make you sleep on the couch, and I let my emotions get the better of me. I'm sorry for that."
I just nod, my heart sinking upon hearing that I've upset him.
"We need to talk. I need to understand why you did what you did so I can work toward forgiving you." he decides.
I nod and take a deep breath.
"I promise you I had your best interests in mind. I wanted Carter gone, locked away, so you could feel safe." I explain.
Kellin looks pained.
"While I appreciate that you care," Kellin croaks as his emotions quickly rise. "you've succeeded in doing the exact opposite of that. Not only did you put yourself in danger, but you've now given him an entry back into my life and you've put me in danger."
Panic arises in my chest as I realize Kellin's right.
It didn't even cross my mind that this could lead Carter back to Kellin. I guess I never really saw the side of Carter that Kellin did. I don't know him and I don't know what he's capable of.
I've made things worse for Kellin, not only is he now more scared, but he's more at risk of actually being in harm's way.
I choke out a sob and put my head in my hands.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so stupid." I cry. "I just felt so guilty. It's my fault you're in this position in the first place. I brought him into your life and it's my fault you didn't press charges on him. I just wanted to fix things. I can't do anything right."
"Vic," Kellin whimpers. "Baby, this isn't your fault. C'mon, you have to know this by now."
"How can you say that though? You know it's my fault. You can't tell me any of this wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for me." I choke out.
"Vic!" Kellin exclaims. "You didn't rape me!"
He stands up and puts his head in his hands. He looks tired when he drops his hands.
I fall silent, feeling as though I make things worse every time I speak.
"If you want to help me, you need to stop blaming yourself. All you're doing is making me feel like shit." he explains bluntly.
"I'm sorry." I whisper.
I still feel guilty but I'm not going to vocalise that again.
He sits back down and takes my hand in his.
"It's okay." he whispers.
He takes another deep breath and squeezes my hand.
"Carter didn't hurt you, did he?" Kellin frowns, looking at me worried.
"No, no, not at all." I assure him.
"Okay," he sighs relieved.
He places a loving kiss on my shoulder that I'm grateful for.
"So what happened?" he asks.
"We just talked." I explain. "I convinced him to turn himself in."
"Is he going to?" Kellin squeaks.
I shrug.
"He said he would. He said he was sorry and that he wasn't sick anymore. And that he deserved to be locked away." I sigh. "I guess the only way we'll know if he goes through with it, is if the police get in contact to take your statement."
Kellin looks stressed as he nods again.
"I didn't want to go through all this, Vic." Kellin sighs.
"I'm sorry." I apologise regretfully.
"Stop apologizing. What's done is done." he says defeated.
I feel sick to my stomach with guilt as Kellin stares off in thought.
"I shouldn't have said all that stuff the other night." he says suddenly. "You wouldn't have done this if I hadn't complained."
My heart breaks a little.
"I don't want you to stop opening up to me because I fucked up." I croak.
He looks at me with a mix of sadness and frustration.
"Honestly Vic, it's going to take a while for me to trust you again." he sighs then he stands up.
My heart sinks lower and my stomach begins to ache.
I've really ruined things. I've ruined things to the point where I don't know if they can be fixed.
"Um, I'm going to make breakfast." Kellin says, seemingly shaking himself out of his thoughts. "What do you want?"
The thought of food has me nauseated and honestly, I don't deserve to eat whatever Kellin cooks up for me.
"I'm not that hungry. Thank you though." I admit.
Kellin purses his lips but nods.
"Why don't you get some sleep? Go upstairs. You don't need to sleep on the couch." he suggests.
I just shake my head.
"The couch is fine." I mumble.
I don't deserve to sleep in our bed. I don't even deserve to sleep. I hurt my husband and I must suffer for that.
Kellin lets out a long sigh, then he ruffles my hair lovingly before he leaves the room.
Even his touch is nauseating. I don't deserve his affection or his love. Not after causing him so much pain, again. Why can't I ever do anything right?
Kellin disappears for a while and I lose track of time as I'm swallowed by self-hatred. I almost don't notice him return with a bowl of cereal. He sits down in the armchair and takes the TV remote switching the TV on. I watch him for a minute as as he spoons some cinnamon toast crunch into his mouth while the morning Pokémon cartoon that he likes plays. He looks so beautiful. I don't deserve him at all, I never have.
I drop my head, feeling stressed and disheartened as I stare down at my feet.
The noise from the TV suddenly ceases and I look up at Kellin who's looking back at me. He seems to have muted the TV.
"Vic," he says softly. "I'm hurt by what you did, but I still love you, okay? That will never change."
I just nod but the sinking feeling in my stomach begins to tornado.
I don't burden him with a response, but instead I have two words whirling around in my brain, like drops of liquid cyanide slowly poisoning the rest of my mind.
You shouldn't.
YOU ARE READING
Scars (Sequel to Cuts) - Kellic // boyxboy
Fanfiction- Sequel to Cuts- Kellin struggles to recover from his trauma and Vic struggles to see his husband in pain, leading to a bad decision that has catastrophic consequences. With Kellin's happiness his only priority, Vic figures that their relationship...
